Memories of the Early Days

The days are getting longer and the bulbs are starting to break through the frozen earth and I am much happier with the slightly warmer temperatures.  It has been a truly horrible winter and I am counting the days until it is over (15!).  But my thoughts do not just turn to the nice weather and the possibility of nude sun bathing but also to the beginning of my relationship with Sir.  Neither of us put much value in celebrating anniversaries but I do take note of the passing of several special dates:  my response to his ad, his response back, our first meeting, our first play session, and a few more.  I confess I secretly celebrate them but the celebration is focused on what I have learned about myself and life, and what I have left behind.  I feel if I don’t take these dates to remember the journey, I will forget because so many new memories crowd out the old and I have less brain cells that are working lately.  These memories are so precious and sweet to me but also unique to our budding relationship.  Since these moments will never repeat themselves and although new unique memories may be created, the beginning of any relationship is special and the memories are worth retaining.

Although sweet and precious in hindsight, this doesn’t mean the beginning was an easy roller coaster ride.  It was the typical boy-girl meeting, liking each other, and kinky needs complementing each other but my situation didn’t make this easy for Sir.  I was coming off a relationship that resulted in stalking upon its ending and I was extremely ignorant of kink.  I thought top was a sexual position (yes, that ignorant) and don’t even talk of submission, slave, and other labels and concepts.  Power exchange?  What was that!  On the plus side, I was a blank canvas with 3 simple words in tiny letters in the center:  Tie me up.  My simplistic plan was to get tied up and find out if this was what I was searching for and that was that.  No plans after that first bondage session.  Tie me up, hurry, and then leave me alone.  I was not seeking a “relationship” or friendship, only a solution to this unnamed urge inside me that had haunted and taunted me on the edge of consciousness my entire life.  Unplanned by both of us, it became more than that and now it is 5 years later.

Sir was willing to take the risk and so was I but I tested Sir at every opportunity.  There was just so much to learn about myself, about Sir, about the kink community and all of its words, concepts, and nuances of understanding.  I was simultaneously frightened of what it was and who I was and what would happen next and so excited, I could barely stay inside my skin.  Sub-frenzy took control of me.  I read my first erotica and then story after story rendering me incapable of doing much else but wait to meet Sir.  Eventually I settled down but it was Sir who helped me find my way back.  I had not found the internet or Fetlife and it was Sir with his patience who guided me back to the living and being responsible again.

Once past sub-frenzy, we still had to get to know each other and I still had so much to learn.  We both made mistakes (at least I think so, :) ) and we had to figure each other out both from a personality and kink perspective.  We developed our own style of communication as time went on that fit our relationship.  Over the years, I have misunderstood myself, Sir, and kink because of my long life in vanilla relationships.  My fears and doubts have mocked me often and have been an obstacle to my understanding, happiness, and acceptance of myself.  But Sir put up with my rambling emails, my blogs of nonsense, and my verbal rants as I wandered around lost.  I made many mistakes, found solutions, and made the same mistake again only to find that I ended back with Sir, safe and sound.  He didn’t abandon me because I wasn’t perfect but accepted me, confused mess that I was.  I do want to be in control, I do want to know where I am going, and I want to plan each and every thing along the journey of life .. but these are not my needs.  I simply need to surrender all of this to Sir and I do.

Sir still holds my hand as we go along, day after day.  Neither of us are static but are constantly changing to meet new demands, expectations, desires, wishes, problems, challenges and anything else the remaining minutes of the future holds for us.  I will make more mistakes (and maybe Sir will also) and learn more and then find a temporary respite and then change again.  I look back and the thing I love the most about our relationship is how much I learned when I made a mistake and then grew due to a new understanding.  These are incredible, sweet, precious moments that rattled my earth like an earthquake.  How could I think what I did prior to the shift and how lovely my new knowledge was!  I do not regret the words spoken in haste or anger or the actions of disobedience or the sub-frenzy or my internal battles of self during my long runs because I learned and evolved from these occurrences.

Sir was my teacher and still is.  I eventually did find the internet and books and read more to supplement my knowledge.  I have never sought help publicly from the internet other than privately through kinky friends.  However I see many of my mistakes and errors in thinking and wrong turns on the journey ridiculued on the internet for the OP’s stupidity, lack of responsibility, and many other reasons.  I admit to ignorance, mistakes, using the wrong word, not presenting my thoughts clearly and anything else I have communicated publicly but my mistakes are now my sweet memories of growth and understanding.  Would I wish my memories to be sullied with harsh criticisms and public ridicule?  No but I am so thankful to Sir and my friends for their guidance and support and that I never needed to publicly look for help.  Now I try to remember that we were all young, ignorant children at one point in our lives and have compassion when I peruse the internet.

One thing I have learned is that to be brave does not mean to vanquish fear so I am still fearful at times but I go onward anyway.  I know I am not perfect nor do I wish to be.  I would rather make a hundred more mistakes than be boringly perfect for Sir.  I want the excitement of the beginning of our relationship to always be there because neither of us knows what comes next now.  All the good things about the beginning of our relationship don’t have to go away just because time has passed.  Sir changes as do I and he constantly surprises me and I hope I surprise him despite my mundane life.

I was so excited, fearful, inpatient, happy, demanding, ignorant, wide-eyed and bushy tailed that day I answered Sir’s ad.  Little did I know what a few keystrokes and hitting send would lead to.  I have to giggle at my former self, give myself a hug, and say be brave and enjoy!

 

 

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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