Fantasies

I have wanted to try something different and decided I would explore writing erotica but every time I sit down with ideas, I feel such resistance that I end up cleaning the kitchen!  Where do I start, how does the story build in suspense, who should be the characters, and what about the ending!?  I have more questions than answers but end up thinking I should start with my own fantasies.  I seldom dwell on my fantasies and I consider them extremely private not to be shared with anyone even Sir.  Over the last few months though, I have been thinking about what I fantasize about and examining my darkest desires.

In my fantasies, I am taken, used, abused, in pain and bound so tight, I cannot move.  There is a non-concensual element that has confused me my entire life.   Perhaps this is a common theme in fantasies, but in my young adulthood when I didn’t know of kink, I was sure there was something wrong with me to get excited when the victim in movies was kidnapped, bound and tortured.   I still remember this particular nasty, vicious movie and shudder at my reaction.   I suppressed my submissive, kinky side and when my physical urges escaped the steel vault in my head, I couldn’t help thinking I was dirty and nasty for my arousal based on my fantasies.  My desires were there and over the years, hints and suggestions of my kink expressed themselves in subtle ways until that day I learned a consensual kinky world existed.  Consensual kink – the relief that such a wonderful pairing exists can’t be described.

In the beginning of my relationship with Sir, he suggested I read SM 101 and I couldn’t even touch the book, let alone read or look at the pictures.  I shied away from that book like it was evil embodied in a book.  I blamed my sexual ignorance for my feelings but now I realize they were due to this deep suppression of my kink and the persistant opinion that I was one fucked up person.  However, even more so, my inability to examine this book or research kink or understand what I was getting into was my need to be taken.  Once I consented to my relationship with Sir, I have not been able to express immediate needs or wants even when he has asked me what would I like.  I can’t identify bondage positions or toys I would like to be used because it just seems so wrong to me … it interferes with my deep desire to be taken and then used.  That question just makes me so anxious, I don’t even want to contemplate it.  I can speak of my needs and wants in general terms but I doubt I will ever be accused of topping from below.

This need to be taken manifests itself in other ways also.  My BDSM checklist includes few no’s and for the most part, I am open to most types of play.  My feelings about my safe word tend towards an uneasy truce and it is only to be used in true medical emergencies.  Recently in The New Topping Book, the authors mention that some bottoms appear to be “bottomless pits” that express a desire for more play immediately after being untied.  <meekly raises hand>  Someone who is taken has no say when the play begins or what is done or how it is done or if it ever ends!  I sometimes read of negotiation between play partners at public parties and wonder if I could even enunciate anything but a few mumbled words.

Now maybe others might describe this kinky need “taken” as consensual non-consent (CNC) but then the definitions I have read on Fetlife do no resonate with me.  And my need does not involve the act of abduction but is rather the subsequent state with absolutely no possibility of escape.  The outcome of my need is not a captured victim but a proud piece of property belonging to Sir.  I liken it to a cowboy looking over a herd of mustangs out on the prairie, selecting the one mare that perks his interest, settling the lasso around its neck and after a bit of resistance and rebellion, the mare looking at that cowboy with adoring eyes.  In fact this was my favorite pretend game as a pre-schooler.  I have never been able to satisfactorily explain my hysterical sobbing when Sir put a collar on my neck but perhaps this moment was my conversion from free person to taken slave as the lasso tightened on my neck.  And now I suppress the knowledge that shit happens but for now, I must feel there is no way out of my relationship with Sir.  Now that he has taken me, he owns me and it is absolute.

Does this sound like I am labeling myself somehow?  I am not but it does have implications about my self-identity.  For much of my life, my associations of kink were non-consensual and knowing it can be consensual does not erase decades of suppression and unease of my fantasies.  Over the course of my relationship with Sir, I have forgiven and accepted myself and moved beyond my nasty opinion of my kink many times and yet the doubt persists at odd moments.  It is that distinction between fantasy and reality that clarifies my thoughts.  Just because I watch with longing at the bound woman getting whipped on Criminal Minds does not mean I wish to be in a non-consensual situation.  I am firmly on the consensual side of that fence in the real world but who can say how I got bound and gagged in my fantasies?  I just don’t know or care since it is the outcome that is my fantasy – that closed off world of being someone’s precious possession.

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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