My Perspective: Control – Part 2 Maybe

There is a story I read early on in our relationship called Comfort Foods by Kitty Thomas.  It struck a nerve in me at the time that I didn’t understand but knew the images and feelings it incited in me would haunt me throughout my relationship with Sir.

The story is about a woman who is kidnapped (put aside the non-concensual aspect for a moment) and eventually convinced to devote her life to the happiness of her captor.  Even when she is set free, she returns and begs his ownership and doesn’t care about his unique methods of punishing her.   Since I was new and in the throes of sub frenzy, I firmly believed this was possible in the real world and pleaded to Sir that this was what I needed.  It took quite awhile to distinguish between the concept of this fantasy, what Sir and I actually needed, and what is possible in the real world.   This is not to say that some aspects of the story do not ring true or that some relationships like the one in the story do not exist.  But over the years,  the concept of control and surrender have clarified through experience and increased knowledge of kink and myself.

However this story still comes to mind and tempts me with the slave’s single-minded sense of purpose and total lack of control.  It exists like Shangri-La just out of reach across a bridge hidden in the fogged draped mountains.   But is this something I would truly want and enjoy or as Sir tells me, eventually I wouldn’t appreciate the sameness of that kind of existence?  Do I need to experience the fullness of life that exists in our reality?  I have no answer since life isn’t an experiment where I can exist in multiple realities and test the outcome.  But I know I love a challenge and need variety in what I learn and do.  I crave the adventure of unexplored territory and the shock of the “first-ness” of experiences.  I will push and poke life until a new situation is created to satisfy my cravings.  My life runs the gamut from A-type personality control to blithering idiot hog tied by Sir experiencing multiple orgasms believing I am mere embodiment of Sir’s fantasies.  Each moment of our relationship is a challenge and I must appreciate that moment for what it is and not dwell on what it isn’t.

It has not been easy existing in a long-distance, power exchange relationship with Sir and perhaps most power exchange relationships are difficult at times.  I don’t know but I do know I have had to learn to adjust to the changes in control and to know my audience.  I may crave one type of control and not be in that situation.  I told Sir NO recently about some silly thing and I still giggle at the shocked look on his face.  Yup, good example of wrong time and place to think I could be in control.  I experience withdrawal of Sir’s total control following our play sessions and I have had to learn to slowly adapt to once again becoming that A-type personality directing the action.  Topping Sir further complicated how I acted and what I felt but my feelings have coalesced into enjoyment of those moments of physical control over Sir.   Lately, I imagine an internal slide of control with myself as the peg sliding back and forth freely responding appropriately to the challenges of life. Well, it’s my goal and I still struggle but it is getting easier.  If I could get a wish machine, I would prefer to be caged while waiting for Sir but Amazon just doesn’t carry it.

Understanding the control aspect of my personality has been the hardest thing I have undertaken in this journey with Sir.  Once I realized I was kinky and a submissive, I hated myself for this quality and I felt it was wrong in a PE relationship.  It was something to rid myself of like walking in something disgusting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.  I had to reconcile my ever-emerging submissive self with my controlling personality that had dominated my life.  I now appreciate my talents of management and organization and control over my life but I may not love this part of myself yet.   Comfort Foods still haunts me and excites me and lures me into my own fantasy land.  But in a way, Sir has given me my fantasy.  I am caged in this waiting-land listening for his texts or the words “meet me”.  I try with all of my actions to reflect the goodness of Us.  But most importantly Sir has given a purpose to my self-control.

There is a new realization that perhaps internal self-control is just as important to me as the external physical and mental control Sir has over me.  It is self-control with a purpose influenced by our relationship that adds to the strength and appreciation I feel in myself and my own abilities.  It is our relationship that clarifies what is important to me and who I am.   It seems so obvious to me now that my fantasy of Comfort Foods is an attempt to avoid situations that require self-control.  It is so tiring to figure out the right thing to do – to think – to feel every day and getting to that moment of surrender to Sir during our play sessions feels so wonderful.  But I can’t live like that and I can’t avoid the responsibility of life and I must have control over myself.  It goes without saying that it also takes self-control to endure the physical play we engage in. It is self-control that allows me to test my trust and love in Sir and build to that moment of enjoyable torture that internally screams surrender (Ok sometimes externally also).

All that I have written seems so obvious to me now and I wonder if Readers question my intelligence but I am the reflection of my own journey.  I know I have come a long way in my understanding of kink and probably have a long way to go yet.  Perhaps my slow awareness is the result of the waiting and my sudden conversion to kink.  I don’t know or care.  I do know that as I sit here waiting, I appreciate the control Sir allows me over my life today since it is also in his power to remove it.  But I also appreciate the memory of meeting Sir the other day and that moment I ceased to exist outside his total control.

My Perspective: Control is Part 1.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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