Again with the Waiting

Sir and I have been at this long distance relationship thing for over 4 years now and I always lament that there is not some milestone where it simply gets easier.  I can look back and see that my view of waiting has changed over time but that is because our relationship has changed and we have changed as individuals.  The one constant though is it doesn’t get easier.  We are not alone in this struggle of maintaining a relationship despite the distance factor as the LDR groups on Fetlife and vanilla relationships such as military families attest to.  It is difficult but it can also create an atmosphere where the strength of the relationship is confirmed.

There is now a rhythm and acceptance to our waiting and subsequent meeting that was lacking in the beginning of our relationship.  Despite the peaceful imagining those 2 words bring to mind, the period of waiting can be frustrating.  We have our methods of maintaining the relationship, the friendship, and the power exchange between us while we wait.  None of this came about instantly but evolved with Sir’s addition of various rules and the changing nature of our relationship.  If I don’t talk with Sir for a few days, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over but simply that he is busy.  I can type this so easily but it has taken years to truly believe this and there are still times my heart lurches in fear.   A long distance relationship takes faith, trust, friendship, and respect but most of all, it takes believing in yourself and personal strength.

Let’s face it .. being apart is hard!  There are those days when the body just needs to be tied up or the butt spanked  or a hug felt but the day of meeting is undefined.  There are methods of coping but there is nothing like knowing Sir is at the end of that whip or feeling his hand brush my skin as he applies a rope.  Everything else pales in comparison.  Keep busy.  Keep active.  Run.  Overload the mind with endless to-do lists until that tingling urge is muted.  Wait because he says to.  Surrender to that pain of waiting and find enjoyment in that pain and turn aside from that resignation that another day of waiting begins.  And if it is not the body getting inpatient, it is the heart or the mind wanting company, wanting to discuss the world or just to hear his rare laugh at my silly life.  Just wait for that phone call and know it will happen if not today then tomorrow.  Wait.

But I have come to realize this is the easy part.  It is not the distance from Sir that tortures me but the distance between the versions of myself.  It is this dichotomy of my identities that splits apart and denies the existence of the other as I wait, that is the torture.  While I wait, I throw myself into my life with my usual controlling self and deny that submissive part of me, berate it, hide it, and put it in a closet of shame.  I did this for half a century and it is a method that comes easily to me.   Then we meet and this transformation takes place and I wonder who the hell that controlling person is?  Who am I?  Which version of me is the real me?  I have struggled with this transformational process and identity crisis back and forth over the years thinking that if I analyzed it enough, the answer would reveal itself to me and life would be easy.  Why I have felt this dichotomy so astutely, I don’t know.

The answer is simple of course, there is only one me playing to different audiences on different stages with the appropriate lines and face paint.  I don’t always easily find those correct lines on Sir’s stage and sometimes I don’t even want to.  I struggle.  I fight.  I doubt.  And sometimes I want to run so badly but I don’t because I can’t and I know I don’t want to.  Finally I surrender to Sir’s direction and days later, I must find and accept the responsibilities as the director when all I truly wish to do is to serve Sir in any way that I can.  I have rituals I created to put me in the appropriate mindset for acceptance of the two extremes but even these are little help if I don’t wish to accept my part to play.  But there is only one stage in one theater.  It is really about accepting that I am one person capable of being in control but I am always Sir’s property.  The struggle inside me is part of the rhythm of finding the correct role and speaking the correct lines.  The struggle is not against the relationship but against my self-identity as one who needs to submit as much as I need air.

Sir and I see each other tomorrow and I am preparing but also fighting inside myself every second.   I am desperate in my need to see Sir but my need is tempered with the knowledge of how quickly the time will fly by.  Doubts and questions enter my mind and I wonder what will happen and how I will react and I doubt my strength.  Tears form as I fear he will call and tell me let’s not bother with meeting even though I know this won’t happen.  The spotlight is simply on my role as his and I simultaneously marvel at my desire to show him I do belong to him and my equal desire to say Hell No.  Is the tension inside me lust, anticipation, fear, desire to submit, desire to control or some mix that is undefinable?  Above all else, I wish to be genuine and not hide behind a mask so I ask why?  I ask what is this magic between us that humbles me before him?  Why do I submit to this self-torment?  Who am I?  And why if I want it so badly, is it so difficult to surrender?

I know I will prepare and drive to meet him.  It is because he owns me and I am that person who is his.   The focus tomorrow will be on that fight inside me but I know it is a battle already won by him.  For those few brief hours, the focus will be on Us and not the daily details of life, obligation, and responsibility.  Those things can certainly wait a day can’t they?   Just let me have those hours to feel whole, alive, happy and truly myself and set aside that other role that I must play.  When I have to wait again, I will try with all my might to be not two people but one person with all aspects of my personality melded together into one body and I have to accept this and make it work for me not against me.  Sir wants all of me not selective pieces.  Trust.  Have faith.  That is what carries me through the last hours, minutes, seconds of waiting.  Soon Sir.

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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