My Perspective: Control

Sometimes I get an idea for writing an entry for my blog that is all a muddle in my head and I wait for it to jell into some kind of form that I think is important, cohesive, and not too boring for my readers and more especially, for my Owner.  But something has been on my mind for months now that won’t jell together into 3-4 nice, neat paragraphs but looks more like a computer networking diagram for the NSA.  I am left with the idea just to write and let it all hang out and maybe in the end, it will look like something worth reading.  I am at the beginning and can’t predict the end but you may be in for a long ride Reader.

I want to write about words and the misconceptions I had of kinky words and how the meaning of the words evolved over time.  If one glances at Fetlife, a casual observer may believe we all know what we are talking about … when we use the term submissive, there is some checklist of skills, attitudes, and behaviors that must be met and BAM!   You are a submissive with the appropriate membership card.  I could write of domination, submission, surrender, ownership, slave, property, power exchange and so many others but I will discuss my understanding of control.  It is the important one to me and the one I have had the most trouble with.

Early in my relationship with Sir, I remember looking up the meaning of many kinky words in the dictionary and pondering them.  Some people say the words mean what they say in the dictionary but this isn’t how language works.  When we initially learn language, we develop a framework of supporting meanings for a word and then over time understand the nuances of each word we learn as we gain more experiences and a variety of usages.  There are many types of chairs and my butt may fit into most of them but the first picture that comes to mind is my big, blue comfy office chair but it doesn’t mean there aren’t other objects just as valid to call themselves chair.  And so it goes with control, domination, submission, surrender, etc.

As a newbie, I may have started with the dictionary definitions but my needs had to further refine my own personal meanings of these words.  And to add to the confusion, based on the new experience of our relationship, Sir also had to further modify and refine his meaning of these words to him.  We had to develop our own language of Us so that when we used the word control, it had similar meanings and understandings to both of us.  This took time and it took patience on both our parts to work out our differences and come to some kind of unspoken agreement.  The language of our relationship had to develop through our mutual experiences and getting to know each other.  We each brought our own personal baggage to the relationship and old meanings of words based on prior relationships.  We personalized the meanings of words as individuals but also within our relationship.  Mere dictionary meanings could only be the starting point.

And then for me, the hard work began …

The Fantasy Phase:  In the beginning, I felt giving up control meant a lifetime of no more decisions or choices. Of course, this was based on reading erotica and books like The Beauty Series but also my own vivid imagination.  In my newbie fantasies, I would never have to ponder the pros and cons of my life decisions but could rely on Sir to decide, to dictate the minutes of my life, and most importantly, to take responsibility for my life.  My fantasies camouflaged themselves in sub frenzy, rebellion, fears, demands and many other issues but the real problem was my misconception of the word control within our relationship.  Oh the angst of those days!  Oh the arguments!  I would get no takers for whose definition of control we ended up with … yes it is Sir’s definition:  Sir controls that which he wishes to control.  It is defined in our contract and although many scoff at a contract, it works for us and has helped our long distance relationship survive.

The Self-Identity Phase:  End of the story?  Nope.  Despite my words “Yes Sir”, I resented this definition and felt I must not be important to Sir if he didn’t want to control the whole of me.  The issue of control irked at me and ate away at my image of what a slave was and how a slave should act and the type of relationship a slave should be in.  I just had way too much freedom!  What the hell was I if Sir didn’t want to control 100% of me?  Slave? Property? Submissive? Pancake?  This isn’t what Fetlife says it should be!   Inside me was the warped thinking that if Sir didn’t want to control my time then my time wasn’t important and therefore I wasn’t important.  a=b=c, of course!  But I never wanted tasks or control of the minutiae of my life.  I wanted to simply feel owned.  But what does this mean to me and to Sir in relationship to control?  It took years to work out this contradiction in my thinking that I am of value to Sir and that to control my own life is a service to him but also to myself.  It is not what Sir controls that gives me value but who I am … all the little chaotic, contradictory pieces that are kept inside this body named bonimiss and Sir owns me, bonimiss.

The Fear Phase:  End of story?  Nope again!  I could name this phase, Holy-shit-what-did-I-do phase but fear sums it up nicely.  It is the fear of making my own choice to surrender and then taking responsibility for that decision.  Many doubts and fears swirled in my head with no resolution.  And then I realized all I had to do was have a little faith.  It takes courage to surrender but to paraphrase Nelson Mandela, courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it.  My courage and faith in Us is stronger than those inner 3 a.m. fears.  The odd thing was that as my faith increased so did my sense of ownership, purpose, and happiness.  There are still moments I panic and I don’t recognize this person that willingly sings in her cage.  But eventually faith and courage remind me that all is good.

The Next Phase:  End of story?  No and I expect I will keep learning and evolving as I go about my life.  I don’t know what new experiences I will have, or Sir will have, or how we will evolve.  Neither of us knows what tomorrow brings.  I could get hit by a bus as Sir tells me.  (OK cross that one off the list Sir! :) )

Did this story end up with a nice, neat definition of control?  Yes, Sir controls what he wants to control and I could list the ways he does within the context of our relationship.  Control is still defined in that contract that has basically stayed the same since its inception.   But it is ultimately that feeling of ownership and value that fills my heart and defies explanation to others.  I know it and feel it but it is personal.  Because of that ownership, I know Sir controls my very being as I go throughout my day making a thousand decisions about things most people do but Sir’s ownership is always uppermost in my thoughts.  And I know that due to the distance and time apart, the manner in which Sir exerts control is unique and tailored to our needs and our relationship.  I can’t look on Fetlife and compare to others since others have their own unique relationships.  It is apples and oranges.

And like usual, when I think about this topic … I can’t wait to see Sir again when he really shows me what ownership and control are all about.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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One Response to My Perspective: Control

  1. Pingback: From a Blog by Bemused Enlightenment | Beyond 50 Shades

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