KOTW: Punishment

Kink of the Week, Oct. 28-Nov.3: Punishment-Real

Sir and I have a punishment dynamic although I strive at all times to obey Sir’s spoken and unspoken rules.  It is an absolutely horrible feeling to know I have disappointed Sir with my words, behavior or disobedience.  Driven by my A-type personality, I would rather exceed Sir’s expectations than disappoint him.

How does it work?  Sir and I are in a long distance relationship so the mechanics are a bit different as compared to those that live together or see each other often.  Sir restricts his direct control to our relationship and that control does not actively extend into my other responsibilities and obligations.  I imagine that if Sir’s control extended into other areas, then the punishment dynamic would also have to adapt.

I have about a dozen rules I must follow that detail specifics about communication (e.g., texting good morning), behavior, and appearance.  Transparency is extremely important and if I break a rule (e.g., not requesting permission to cum), I must reveal my misbehavior to Sir.  Following these rules that I could break unbeknownst to Sir is the basis for the trust between us.  Of course, there are other misdeeds such as rebellion or downright bitchiness that Sir doesn’t need my transparency.  Whenever I do misbehave or break a rule, it is Sir’s prerogative to punish me or not and how that punishment will look.  Punishment may be a simple you-did-wrong,  a discussion, verbal reprimand or corporal punishment.  Sometimes it is immediate and sometimes it must wait until we are together.  Sometimes it is a lecture and sometimes it is severe physical punishment.  It is the way he wishes it to be but I believe he maintains a proportionality based on the severity of the misbehavior.

What do I get out of our punishment dynamic?  My view about rebellion and therefore punishment has changed over the last 4 years.  I am always learning to cope with submission since it just doesn’t come naturally to me.  Although I am not a brat, there have been moments where my anger and frustration made me taunt Sir and play games with the rules.  I have had doubts, lacked trust and lost perspective about our relationship.  Although there have been times I inadvertently forgot to text in time, for the most part, my rebellions, anger, frustration, and any other negative emotion has been the outward sign of resolving an internal conflict, understanding our relationship, or understanding myself.

Within the context then of rebellion, I need to feel secure in our relationship and knowing I will be punished due to misbehavior provides me with that security.  I feel Sir is acknowledging my behavior, good or bad, and drawing the line on acceptability and he is in control of the consequences.  What I do matters and it is not up to me to decide or judge one way or the other.  It is the domination inherent in the punishment dynamic.  I feel of value to Sir like a prized possession that needs to be repaired from time to time.  Once I am punished, I feel the slate is clean and I strive to keep it that way for as long as I can.

I don’t feel I need to be a brat because I am a masochist and Sir knows this.  If he feels like whipping me, he will and needs no excuse from me.  My head space is totally different when the pain is caused during play rather than punishment.  Play pain is filled with positive energy that eventually becomes pleasurable as well as painful.  I even hesitate to call it play punishment or funishment.  It is simply pain in its most pleasurable, wonderful, exciting, addicting, erotic form.

My physical response to punishment is similar to a normal masochistic response but probably more intense.  However, as I mentioned, the mental process is totally different.  The pain never becomes a pleasure I desire but remains painful with a bit of the edge taken off.  Recently I screwed up badly and when Sir and I met, he physically punished me but I didn’t know it was punishment (not paying attention?).  I knew something was going on based on his mood and method but it wasn’t until he mentioned again he was punishing me that my processing flipped and I was distraught and remorseful about my rebellion.  It was a strange internal adjustment to my mood and acceptance of pain based on a few words uttered by Sir.  Even though I had figured out my internal conflicts, I absolutely needed that release from the guilt and self-chasticement.

This is the way I am, right or wrong, valid or not, sane or insane, I need the potential for punishment to exist in my relationship with Sir.  The power exchange nature of our relationship sets the goals and the punishment aspect gives me either the motivation to succeed or absolution when I screw up.  Sir has said in the past that he doesn’t like to punish me and I don’t like that he needs to.  Since we are not physically together 24/7, I imagine it must be annoying to remember to punish me for infractions so I avoid giving him cause.  In general, I think I have really screwed up only a few times where Sir had to seriously punish me.  And our relationship has changed drastically over the last 4 years and the punishment portion of our dynamic has changed with it.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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6 Responses to KOTW: Punishment

  1. Sammi says:

    Very interesting to read how this works in a long distance relationship!

  2. Molly says:

    We too have a punishment element to our D/s relationship and just like you say, for me, disappointing him is possibly the worst part about punishment

    Mollyxxx

  3. bonimiss says:

    Someday I am going to write about why many of us feel the need to either apologize or say YMMV, etc. about our relationships. I know why I feel the need to say this and get tired of it. Yet I include it anyway as a way of saying I take ownership for my thoughts and decisions. It is a consensual relationship after all. Thank you for your comment.

  4. Malflic says:

    Thank you for sharing and providing such great insight into your dynamic. It’s very different than mine which makes it wonderful to learn from. As for your comment on valid or not I’d say if it works and meets your need then its certainly valid.

  5. bonimiss says:

    Thank you for your comment. I hope to participate in KOTW when I have the time.

  6. Jade says:

    Another new-to-the-KinkoftheWeek person! Welcome. :-) And only the second writer to write about having another punishment dynamic.

    Thank you for writing so clearly about it and why it works for you. You say some things that resonate with me, even though my kink partner and I do not have one – in particular about the fact that him knowing and paying attention to the fact that you have broken a rule, and having those boundaries & feeling accountable, makes you feel secure.

    I do hope you will continue to play along in the KinkoftheWeek! If you have a Twitter, please send me an @ on mine: @piecesofjade and I will be sure to tweet about your post. :-)

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