Porn

During my marriage way back in my 20′s, I came across a Playboy magazine hidden amongst my now ex-spouse’s belongings.  I was absolutely devastated and cried and when he came home, I gave him more than a piece of my mind.  How could he need a dirty, disgusting magazine like that when he had a living, breathing me married to him!?@?  I don’t remember his answer since my indignation would have dismissed any plausible explanation.  I was a vastly different person in those ancient days and typical of a 20-something, I knew what was right and what was wrong and porn fell neatly into the Extremely-Wrong List.  It is not that I was a “prude” (some may argue that point) but in my preteen years when Women’s Rights became the media focus,  in my unformed, uncritical brain, what was said was absolutely correct.  I didn’t quite understand the contradiction of listening to Gloria Steinem (whoever she was?) and watching Leaving It To Beaver.  Porn was demeaning to women and disgusting although I loved art that displayed nude bodies.  So much of that decade and the various revolutions created unsolved contradictions in my mind that lay dormant and only expressed themselves in a bubbling to the surface kind of process of enlightenment.

Of course, my opinion of porn did not stay as rigidly disgusted as in those early days but as I grew up, my thinking softened and opened up even though I had no desire to look at pictures of naked bodies.  I felt pictures of sex or naked male bodies were boring and did nothing for me.  I was more interested in stories of romance with a tinge of sex and yes domination.   And then when my reality changed and I found kink, I really didn’t like the advert thumbnails of a woman screaming with a gag in her mouth.  I am not sure what turned me off more, the blatant commercial aspect or the lack of genuineness.  But once again it was my lack of openness that narrowed my thinking … mistakenly I saw these little thumbnails as representative of all bondage porn and I couldn’t see past my own prejudices and generalizations of what kinky porn was.

From the beginning of our relationship, Sir has taken pictures of our times together.  I have always enjoyed looking at these pictures the following week and using them as an aid to remembering and understanding what play occurred.  I can correlate the physical and mental experience to Sir’s mental and physical experience, or at least, imagine it.  It is so lovely to absorb a particular picture and remember how tight the ropes were or how my ass came to be so red.  But after about a week, my desire to view the pictures lessens due to my hesitation to further torture myself as the waiting period begins.  At some point, Sir began taking videos and it took over a year to actually watch myself.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and then only in fits and starts before my embarrassment, prudery, intense desire to be back in that moment, and a whole host of emotions would force me to pause and walk away.  Watching myself on video is just too conflicted to really enjoy it.  There is a lack of detachment from the comparison of the dichotomy of who I am while waiting and the slut that shows up at the motel door.  That is me!  No it isn’t!  Yes it is!  OMG I want to be there right now!  I just do not have the strength or means to control my desire for Sir and I am afraid of the power of that need and what I might do.  Why create trouble?

I could not enjoy our pictures or videos just for their own pornographic purposes.  Then a friend gave me some bondage videos.  And yes this is the first time I have ever seen anything like this and yes I am this old and I expect you to laugh, think me silly or ridiculous or whatever.  But this is who I am and this is my life and things do happen this way.  You just can’t make this stuff up!  I do laugh at myself and my ignorance but I am also proud of myself that I have the courage to embrace the adventure life has even at this late date.  This was the disclaimer that it is OK to laugh with me.  But I am not apologetic or regretful.  My life is the way it is and I am who I am.

To date, I have watched only a handful of these bondage videos but I absolutely enjoy them.  I would not have predicted this response.  Why enjoy these?  It isn’t me for one thing but some bondage model and I can imagine how much fun it would be to be bound like she is or whipped like she is.   I lack a kinky social life so just observing how a scene take places is new to me.  The bondage equipment, the setting, the mood, the methodology and the various differences from what Sir and I have is very fascinating.  The videos work their magic in my fantasies and that is their purpose.  I can’t wait to watch another one and see what new devices or techniques are used.  But I am also a bit critical of anything that I suspect is fake, pretending or acting.  If the participant can reach the gag to remove it, do it for heaven’s sake!  I would!  And I understand there is a large variety of everything I could ever dream up out there in the kinky world.  But my opinion overall? This is fun!

The amazing thing to me though about what I have written is not my awareness of porn and enjoying it but how much a person can change.  In my 20′s, I felt I knew it all and had all the right answers for all the questions.  Now in my 50′s, I feel I understand so little about the world and just maybe I don’t have the answers but merely a few suggestions.  And I can’t predict tomorrow understandings or experiences either or how they will impact my views on life.  But with Sir’s help, I hope to never fall back into that narrow-rigid-opinionated-minded person from long ago but stay open to even more adventure.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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One Response to Porn

  1. ted_subby says:

    I can really identify with this. I have never been interested in seeing naked bodies, and to watch sex acts on video is very unfun to me. But watching an authentic seeming S&M scene can be a lot of fun, while a fake-seeming scene is not fun at all. One time I even went to a BDSM club (with my Princess’ permission) and I was surprised that I enjoyed watching some scenes, even ones in which women were the ones suffering in bondage.

    Also in my 50s I too feel as though I know so little about the world. But I think that at least in my case that has insulated me from how much pain (the unfun type) is out there.

    The reaction you had in your 20s is probably common, as you mentioned, even for people nowadays. Why on earth would someone want to look at porn when they already have a partner? The answer to that varies by individual but in my case, in sometimes enjoying viewing BDSM “porn” (usually without any sexual contact involved), it’s stoking the fires of fantasies for situations which are unable to occur because they are not realistic. Would I want to be whipped until I bleed? Heck no, I couldn’t take that amount (or at least I don’t think I could), but in a video the same restrictions do not apply.

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