Insanity

I just finished The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson and realize that I am crazy and a bit insane and it is OK.  Thankfully I am not a psychopath but then if I was, I would tell you I wasn’t due to my cunning, manipulation of people.   This idea of insanity is not mine alone but also discussed in Something Serious about Slavery by The_Mighty_One.  Recently I wrote about ownership and this writing about M/s says it so much better than I did.

As I read this writing, I see the points over the last 4 years where I also came to similar conclusions after intense internal battles.  ”Slaves create THEMSELVES.”  It is a decision to do this thing we do, submit and be owned.  It is choice based on faith founded on trust.  For the longest time, I felt it was Sir’s responsibility to transform me into a Marketplace fantasy slave kneeling and draped in shackles and chains with my eyes downcast to indicate my submission.  Although there are moments where I am in shackles and chains, my eyes are seldom downcast since it irks me.  However, Sir did lay the foundation of trust,  guidance and support but I had to take that initial leap of faith to feel owned by Sir.  Then we both worked hard to create this relationship that both of us treasure.  Looking back, I often try to identify that single moment where I jumped.  There are several candidates but sometimes I think it was more of a free fall than a leap.

I have struggled with my decision for years since as The_Mighty_One writes, this is insane.  It is scary!  It is not a decision to be made lightly but only after building that trust and knowledge of the Owner but also one’s self-awareness.  In a way, I made the choice to be owned but then went through a form of buyer’s remorse for years.  My choice did alter my reality and more so, my self-identity.  Who the hell was I?  I am controlling,  skeptical, inpatient and a bit too analytical.  Over the last few months, I have accepted responsibility for my choice, my self-identity, my doubts and fears, and the reality I live in.  No matter how I feel about Us, the switch is set to Owned by Sir and I am responsible for my decision today but also the future tomorrows.  Sir may own me but I own my decision.

Fear has been my biggest enemy because I felt this was insanity and I questioned the reality of myself and our relationship.  ”You DO have to be careful, because the second you start to BELIEVE you are OWNED, you are playing with something edgier than ANY toy in the BDSM arsenal“.  I could list all of my fears over the last few years (and the new ones I conjure up) but mostly I was afraid of being owned.  I would frequently lament what will happen to me? What is happening to me?  Why can’t I simply toggle that switch back and forth and then maybe keep it in the Off position?  Fear became my crutch for avoiding responsibility for my own decision.  I walked into the decision with my eyes wide open and then promptly closed them and stuck my fingers in my ears and sang “la … la … la …” really loud!

But fear is a catalyst for growth and change which is positive not negative.  Without that fear, perhaps I would take this feeling of ownership that lies at my core for granted and I don’t think our relationship would be as strong as it is.  And more importantly, I don’t think I would understand myself as much as I do.   It takes courage and subsequent understanding to face down those fears that arise.  It is like “dancing on the oiled blade of a knife” with the joy of the dance, the pain of the edge, and the fear of falling but knowing I will stay on that edge.  And it took time and patience for the process to happen in its own time.   Perhaps that is where the magic lies?

Upon rereading what I wrote in my usual long-winded prose, maybe I shouldn’t have written anything today and just said    ”What she said …”.

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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