The Never-ending Urge

Sir says kink is an urge that never quits and I have to agree.  For me, that urge can take many forms from the need for a good whipping to total control of my entire being with ownership or via some method of physical restraint.  It can be a swirling chaotic mass of urges with peaks of desire for one thing over another to a screaming banshee of need for it all.  It is a force to be reckoned with and anyone who has gone through sub frenzy understands the power of need I am describing.  At some point, sub frenzy dissipated  and the urge for some form of kink infiltrated every aspect of my life.

However, I have often pondered where this kinky urge was for the first 50 years of my life?  How can it now be the central core of my being and non-existent prior to that moment of awareness?  These questions have driven me to understand my kink and forced me to accept myself and the choices I have made in my life.  My self-enlightenment has matured and evolved over the last 4+ years with fits and starts of regret, doubts, trust issues, and all the misconceptions one can think of.  It is tough to shed those vanilla colored glasses and probably I will wear them in one way or another for the rest of my life.

Several years ago, there was an OP on Fetlife that ranted how could anyone not know they were kinky?  He stated all of us who discovered our kinky side in our later years were pretenders and fakes or just going through a mid-life crisis and would soon revert to our vanilla ways.  At this point, I had no self-confidence and little knowledge and this view crushed me.  Were these words true about me?  They didn’t feel true and the words made me a bit angry.  How could this person look inside me and know my innermost thoughts when a rope was applied to my body?  Did he have some kind of kink instrument to measure my kinky urge and give me a passing score?  Did he  belong to the kink police?  Eventually I discounted his harsh opinion as compensation for his own issues but the question still hovered in the back of my mind .. how could I not have recognized I was kinky for most of my life?

There is now way of knowing and that is the answer.  My life has been a series of choices that has led to this moment and my relationship with Sir.   Of course, I can look back now and see points where the opportunity to change directions was presented to me but I didn’t make that choice since at that point, I wasn’t the me I am today.  However, if I replace “kinky urges” with needs, I can see how my needs were reflected in my choices but I just didn’t take that road.  I have a tremendous need to be challenged and I answered that need with various degrees, physical goals, and a difficult profession.  I look back and think how boring!  Sir has opened doors to challenges that reach into my soul and force me to question everything I understand.  I wondered for a time if perhaps I was not kinky in my early days and I have just run out of options for challenging opportunities?

However, I don’t think this is the answer either.  The problem is in our human nature to label, identify others like ourselves, and exclude the others.  For the last 4 years, I have viewed that moment of choosing to find someone to tie me up as a dividing line between my vanilla life and my kinky life.  Like most of us in the community, I label people, activities, viewpoints, and everything else as either vanilla or kinky and I expect I will keep doing it because I am human.  But the answer to how I did I not recognize my kinky urges is not a moment of division but rather a new answer to my needs during the journey of my life.  I give myself some credit for the courage and sense of adventure needed to search out new answers to my innermost needs and urges.  I feel I recognize my self now with this need for power exchange, ropes, whips, and anything else Sir comes up with and I was me all along my entire life hiding inside other choices.  Probably I should be filled with the regret of a lifetime of missed opportunities but then I may not be with Sir and if I found a magic lamp, rubbed it with the typical genie appearing, I would choose the same path and find Sir once again.  I just can’t imagine today or tomorrow without Sir in my life.

At this moment in my journey in life, I know who I am today and I am open to tomorrow’s new experiences and knowledge and subsequent evolution.   I hesitate to label myself “kinky” because I am ultimately myself but many of my needs can no longer be satisfied without that feeling of power exchange, restraint, and pain.  Despite my long journey to this point, I absolutely treasure this about myself and I firmly believe this has always been true.  No I don’t have statistics, charts, and graphs to prove this to naysayers such as that long forgotten OP but it is matter of belief on my part and really?  What does it matter?

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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3 Responses to The Never-ending Urge

  1. bonimiss says:

    I can’t agree more about it screaming louder as my urges are fed and pushed to the edge of my boundaries. Thank you for your comment.

  2. I think many of us find it later in life and that’s ok. There are a variety a reasons for this but mostly I think it’s just that we aren’t open to the idea of it because we are living life the way we think we should or expecting to be treated the way society tells us as women that we should be treated.

    Even after getting involved in kink, I wouldn’t say that I needed it. I don’t even think I liked it all that much but I worked to keep an open mind. My need for it developed over time.

  3. Bleuame says:

    What a beautiful post!
    It doesn’t matter when you discovered you were kinky (though sometimes the “how” makes a great story) just where you are now.
    Certainly, it doesn’t matter what any self-righteous individual may think.

    The kinky urges? I think the more we engage, the more they scream ;P

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