Ownership

My greatest need is to be owned.  I don’t say kinky need because I think this need has been a secret screaming voice in my head my entire life but the feeling lacked cohesion and an identifier.  This need for ownership went against everything society and my gender demanded I feel.  And yet when Sir put his collar on me, the tears of relief, fear, joy, and discover swirled in my head into an emotion named ownership.  Sir owns me.  I would rather hear he owns me from his lips than any words of love or friendship.  From the first moment he uttered these words “I own you”, it has existed as a concept in my mind as sure as E=Mc2.  There is such a surety of feeling that it puzzles me and I can never leave well enough alone.  Others have this need to feel owned but I feel each of us has our own brand of ownership with its own unique characteristics and qualities.  Some call it property, submission and others slavery.  For myself, these words do not describe the feeling inside me.

I say it is my greatest need but what of bondage and pain?  Ropes and whips are the manifestation of Sir’s ownership.  If tomorrow Sir said no more ropes or whips, I could survive with simple ownership although extremely reluctantly.  Good thing I don’t believe Sir would ever do that, :) .  I do not wear a permanent physical collar but the feeling is permanent in my thoughts.  There are days I rebel against ownership, test the strength of the feeling, and dissect it wishing it would dissolve into the atmosphere but the feeling remains.  It is at the center of me and my refuge from the slings and arrows of modern life.  It is knowing I can mess up and I will be punished but it is also knowing I can show all my foibles and warts and I will still be owned.  The parts of me that I fear or dislike and hide from the world do not need to be hidden from Sir.  I will remain owned.  The rules are clear concerning what will destroy that ownership but who I am will not destroy Us.

I shake my head in bewilderment as I contemplate how I got to this point?  This was not a dream or goal from early in my life but more of a lightening bolt striking me against the odds.  I felt I just wanted to be dominated with ropes and maybe a whip occasionally.  Looking back, I see it began with giving up my orgasms to Sir.  I have always regretted I said yes so easily and wonder where my backbone went that day.  Somehow the foundation of Sir’s rules, contract and collar laid a foundation that allowed the feeling of ownership to grow.  My memories and understanding of how this all came to be is murky and indistinct and yet felt as natural as the change of seasons.  Now it just exists as a feeling inside me and our contract and rules are my security blanket.

But I have had doubts in myself and in our relationship.  I say I am owned but shouldn’t I need something to maintain that feeling inside me … something stupendously kinky and fantastical?  I think something must be wrong with me not to need a daily spanking, difficult tasks, and complex rules but I just don’t.  Something must be wrong with me to be able to meet once a month and then return to my everyday life and accept the situation  with love, friendship, and ownership in my heart and head.  It is the question that is wrong and not the answer.  It is what Sir and I do for each other that is the foundation of ownership and is not reflected in questions on Fetlife.  Sir owns not just me but our relationship and when I said yes, I said yes to all choices not the select few that sounded fun.

It is trust in myself, trust in Sir, and trust in our relationship but it is also a belief system that Sir owns me.  It is my choice to say yes to Sir but it is also my choice to trust him.  It is my choice to set aside fear and find courage.  Fear only leads to mistrust and doubt which leads to the erosion of ownership inside me.  For months on end, I let fear reign in my heart but the fears were meaningless and not reality based.  Fear is a natural part of life’s emotions and it does take courage not to fight or fly.  Instead I focus past the fear at reality and trust and accept the wonderful feeling of being owned inside me.  It doesn’t have to be complicated or follow rules or expectations set by anyone else but Sir.  It can easy if I just let it be.

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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