Where has bonimiss been?

I bet most blogs end in a quiet, natural death.  Mine was close to death but I have decided to resuscitate it.  My original goal was to write an entry once a week about a topic of my choosing that sparked my interest.  Since I enjoy writing, I decided I will write again but not at my prior pace but only when I think I have something to write about that is worth my interest and my time.

Where have I been?  I look back at my blog entries and I know something was brewing since April.  I blame the stockade but perhaps I was realizing what Us meant to me and the stockade merely emphasized it in my mind.  The click of the locks symbolically became equivalent to saying yes to Sir’s collar.  No escape and no control.  I refused to accept this, rebelled, feared, doubted, withdrew and many others actions and emotions rather than face what I was feeling.  At some point, Sir and I had a “discussion” that only resulted in my withdrawal from seeking a solution.  I stopped writing my blog and my daily emails to Sir.  I stood like a deer watching the headlights of the approaching 18-wheeler come closer.  I knew any rash decision was not in the best interests for myself or my relationship with Sir so I  waited for my inner turmoil to settle and for enlightenment to appear.  I felt something better would be on the other side of the chaos in my head.

Did I have an epiphany that made things all better and my fairy tale submissive life begin?  No not at all.  In fact, I believe facing reality is part of the change that occurred.  I know I am not the same person as before this event.   Perhaps now I face that yes with a bit more courage and acceptance but fear is still there and I think it belongs there .. at least for me for some part of this journey.  Along with the fear, I also sense the power in my decision and the power that flows in my daily life.  I am far from a finished product but I do have some sense of self-knowledge with a touch of confidence.  But there are other things to do in life other than reflect upon my submission and reading of Fetlife.  I no longer obsessively seek answers to my questions or wonder what the questions are.

So I have been doing things and embracing my life and rediscovering friendship, trust and enjoyment in my relationship with Sir.  I haven’t conquered fear or rebellion but I don’t view them as enemies of my relationship but as my constant companions that maybe eventually I will say good bye to.

Maybe I did learn one thing:  To doubt after saying yes is equivalent to not saying yes in the first place.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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One Response to Where has bonimiss been?

  1. ted_subby says:

    It is good to have you back. One thing I learned is that my Princess reads your blog, because she pointed out to me this post before I realized it was posted. She doesn’t read much in the BDSM world beyond what I write.

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