It’s Always Something .. Doubt

Lately I have been filled with doubt concerning my relationship with Sir to the point that Sir has even noticed it.  And I thought I was doing a good job of controlling it!  As with most troublesome emotions, I pick it to death trying to understand its cause and possible solutions.  Most likely part of the problem is my overactive imagination and self-reflection working to control the relationship rather than just surrender to Sir’s control.  Doubt is one of my barriers to surrender and fear is its precursor.  Various fears bubble up from my subconscious and doubt feeds them.

What exactly do I fear then?  As I sit here, the list flashes so quickly through my thoughts that I can’t even capture it in words fast enough to type but the specifics do no matter.  Any old fear will do.  But the commonality between my fears is control.  However as the king said to the White Rabbit “Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop”, so I must begin with acceptance of Sir’s collar.  Trust, respect, friendship, and most of all, knowing I needed ownership made that initial yes an easy response and reinforces my answer even today.  It is not the answer of yes I fear but the consequences of my answer.  I fear I have changed so much that I have lost control of the changes and they come too quickly for my comprehension.  I am in the rapids and no amount of wait a second .. let me understand this .. will stop the speed of the river’s flow.  The fear is a vague sense of uncertainty of where I am going and what may happen.  But it is also having a definition of myself and what I surrender to Sir.  In the past, I just surrendered this unknown entity that wasn’t really me.

It is easier to doubt than face fears so I doubt my reality, I doubt our relationship, and I doubt everything I can think of.  I struggled for so long with understanding the power exchange in our relationship and that simple picture of my little circle of power sitting inside Sir’s circle of power has brought me so much peace and understanding but I must also acknowledge vulnerability within the relationship.  I laugh at myself since it the resultant feeling of ownership produced by this picture in my head that reinforces his control and makes me quake with fear.  Why should this be?  I have what I need most in my life yet fear it at the same time.

When I think such thoughts, I question my membership in slave Fetlife groups yet I know this is how I identify within my relationship with Sir.  I have often said I don’t suffer enough to be a slave but I suffer greatly in the unique methods Sir has chosen to use.  And my response is to doubt instead of facing my fears and surrendering control to Sir.  My doubt is the bombardment of questions and all the possible answers I can imagine.  I could list the questions and seek discussions with Sir and then get that look of “you have got to be kidding!” or the dreaded lecture or even worse, the punishment of banishment.  But I don’t need to ask him the questions because deep down I know the answers to all of my questions but I refuse to surrender to those answers.  I want to control the answers but this is not how power relationships work.  Isn’t there fine print in our contract Sir?  Nope would be his answer.

I am back to my circle of power within his circle of power and it is what it is and how I need the power exchange just like it is despite denial, doubt, fears and whatever else I may use to prevent surrender.  It is my focus on doubt that feeds it rather than focusing on what exists.  The power exchange between us is not impacted by my doubts and fears or the picture of control in my head.  It is there as a constant and that is a source of strength if I just change my focus from fear and doubt to one of acceptance and surrender.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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