Obedience

Despite the snow on the ground and the chill in the air, I went to the park to run today.  When I got there a man was attempting to get his young dog out of the car and take him for a walk.  The dog was clearly excited and jumped and looked around at the other dogs and people nearby.  I saw they were joining a dog obedience class and the other dogs were sitting and waiting quietly.  The owner of this young pup jerked his leash several times in a feeble attempt to make him listen.  The owner did not command him to stay, give any direction in order to quiet him, or reward him when he settled down.  The dog, clearly overwhelmed by the experience, tried to contain his excitement and looked back at the owner for reassurance, direction, and with such a desire to please his owner that the whole moment stayed with me as I ran.  It is not just this vague desire to please my owner that resonated with me but the greater need to be obedient.  Luckily, my owner is nothing like this dog’s owner.

I have written of my need to be obedient as one of my core values of submission.  In general, I follow the rules and attempt to discern what behaviors Sir enjoys and which annoy him.  I don’t look for all that I do and think to be identified by him or determined by a rule.  Perhaps my overeagerness to be undemanding is really a camouflaged moment of retaining control and independence but I think this suits our relationship.  My days are filled with various activities, ideas and projects and when I don’t feel the pressing need of deadlines, I go insane.  I readily confess I am a type-A personality and the harshest critic of myself and my accomplishments.  I need to feel my life is a well oiled machine operating under maximum speed with the finish line clearly viewable and the trophy ready to be handed to me.

Lately, I have been looking at my need to feel obedient in more depth.  Obedience defines behavior as either right or wrong with no middle ground.  I either follow the speed limit or I don’t;  I either text good morning or I don’t.  In both cases, there is someone external to myself that is determining the obedience of my actions.  There are no moral conundrums requiring extensive thought and debate to determine the outcome.  Most of life is not so clear cut as a traffic light.  Life is complex and trying to determine the right thing is sometimes a moral quagmire especially if one does not believe in modern religion.

There is a purpose to my obedience to Sir and he defines that purpose.  As wonderwoman in Simply Service defines obedience, it is an alignment of my behavior with the expectations of Sir.  I love knowing I am important to Sir, that my behavior pleases him, and he will notice if I falter in my obedience and follow through with appropriate discipline or punishment.  My obedience is a source of feeling good about myself and binds me to Sir and inspires me.  It is a moment where my own internal demons are hushed and the other voice can be heard saying “Good girl.”

In other areas of my life, there is no relief from my own internal struggle to determine the right actions to follow and that subsequent self-evaluation determining the success of my choice.  I am my own harshest critic and more often than not, I find myself lacking and reset the parameters for success higher up the ladder than where I failed.  I attempt to be obedient to a standard of behavior that exists in my mind and is not attainable.  And yet I challenge myself anyway because I think I love the challenge of the unattainable.  But I really don’t because there is never success in the unattainable.  The result of this inner obedience is only negativity, anxiety and a feeling of unworthiness.

My eureka moment came when I realized I was even attempting to control the evaluation of my obedience to Sir.    This need to feel obedient is fulfilled in my relationship with Sir and is a positive thing but it is not my place to evaluate but to act.  In the rest of my life, I have resolved to take off the judge’s robe and give up the gavel.  My self-judgment serves no purpose.   I wish to live attempting to do my best according to my personal morals and values but without that harsh critic following me yelling “You could do better!” and shaking her fist at me.  Perhaps this harsh, inner critic was overcompensation by my vanilla self for the lack of kink in my life but it doesn’t matter now.  Now when I surrender to Sir, I surrender something good and worthy of our relationship.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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3 Responses to Obedience

  1. ted_subby says:

    I agree that there is no middle ground. But I don’t even see an if statement here regarding obedience. Do any of us subs and slaves who value obedience actually wilfully disobey once we have given authority to our Owner? Maybe so, every relationship is unique.

    My Princess has indicated to me that whining is fine as long as it goes along with obeying, and in fact my whining is sometimes a minor goal of hers so she can make fun of me lol.

    “Life is complex and trying to determine the right thing is sometimes a moral quagmire”

    Yes and I think the trick, for times when our Owners do not give us direction, is to just make our decisions the best we can and move on, not dwelling on the rightness of a decision once the deal is done. That can be tough because guilt and regret are difficult to overcome, but I think that with realization that these emotions are usually not helpful they can have an increased chance of being avoided.

  2. bonimiss says:

    Thank you for your comment. I agree whining is not obeying although a bit at times is fun, :) . It is the absolute nature of obedience to a Master that is so unique. Perhaps it is unique? In all other things, I know I have the ability to hedge my bets, create my own rationale for disobedience, and carve out that gray area so I can do what I want. Not so in a power exchange relationship.

  3. Selkie says:

    I like how you define obedience as having “no middle ground”. Its one of the few things in life we can hold dear as being black or white, not both or neither. There’s no gray, its just what it is. To obey or not to obey, that is the question. Whining is not obeying, its just disobeying!

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