Transparency

In Slavecraft, the author says the slave should share all thoughts with their Master.  The mind of the slave should be like a computer program and as thoughts flash across the screen, these thoughts should be relayed to the Master.  Perhaps Sir feels I do this since I write him everyday with a constant stream of associations and thoughts but I do actually hold quite a bit back.  I think too much so there is a constant stream of thoughts, questions, worries, plans, and contemplations churning away while I go about my daily life.  I think Sir would be burdened if I unloaded all of this on him so I censor what I tell him.  Unlike religion where lusting after another’s spouse is a sin, I don’t believe every rebellious thought needs to be confessed.  It is not the rebellious thought that needs confession but the intent and veracity of the rebellion.  I also believe it is my responsibility to recognize those situations where transparency is necessary.

Because of transparency, Sir knows more about me than anyone in my (long) life.  There are still parts of me that are closed to him but over time, I know he will know me 100% and if he doesn’t mind my slight bit of mystery, then we are Ok.  And part of what I don’t tell him, I have not understood sufficiently to put into words.  If I am disobedient, I confess to Sir.  This is transparency in its simplest form.

I think transparency is more about having an authentic relationship and honest communication.  When I say authentic relationship, I mean taking responsibility for knowing yourself and identifying your needs, learning to abandon fear and to trust, and having the courage to share your knowledge with another person.  Honest communication does not withhold information for future manipulation or have a hidden agenda.  It avoids generalizations, assumptions, mind reading, recriminations, blame, and other weapons of power consolidation.

I withhold information in an attempt to be self-sufficient and responsible for my own thoughts and life.  My goal is not to retain control but to be accountable to myself for my own thoughts, self-knowledge and actions.  I do not view this withholding of information as secrecy but self-help.  There are moments of intense internal rebellion that I know are just part of the ebb and flow of my consciousness and are not worthy of confession.  Curiously though, there comes a point in my churning thoughts were I know I am spiraling into oblivion and I need his fresh eyes to look at what is bothering me.  I know it is a time for transparency.  Even this though can be difficult because I must admit to myself I need his assistance.  I like to think I am an independent person that never needs help.

However there are also situations where I know I must speak but cannot.  Fear overtakes me and clouds the issue and prevents words from forming and coming out of my mouth.  What do I fear?  I fear hurting our relationship and displeasing Sir.  I fear hearing words that I have heard in the past in other relationships:  You are stupid.  You are crazy.  You are nothing.  It is the past that I fear most and yet Sir has never said these things to me.  But the deeper the fear is rooted, the harder it is to speak, the deeper the trust must be to open my mouth.  Luckily, Sir and I have porch time where communication is as equals and this helps me overcome my paralyzing reluctance to speak.  And it is trust in Sir that keeps the words flowing.

Basically I could summarize this long post to:  If it’s difficult to say, it’s time for transparency.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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3 Responses to Transparency

  1. Pingback: Jan 22 – Bossy Princess, communication, and foot fetish | BDSM Ted_subby

  2. bonimiss says:

    Transparency is individualized probably since we all have individualized fears. What is difficult for you to say may be quite easy for me. I have my own “issues”, :) . But speaking despite that fear can be a very powerful moment of submission.

    Thank you for your comment ted_subby.

  3. ted_subby says:

    I was just thinking about posting on my own blog about this subject! I read comments on FetLife frequently from female dominants (I usually go to F/m groups) that their subs must be transparent and tell them everything. How can one live like this? I really don’t understand it. My mind is churning all of the time with all sorts of thoughts and if I were to tell my dominant wife Princess everything, it’d be 18 hours a day of constant stuff = no fun for anyone.

    But even taking things less to the absurd, I hold back plenty of thoughts from my Princess. “My back hurts a tiny bit, oh it’s better now” – there’s no reason for concern about 3 seconds of rare discomfort, why should I tell her this? “I’d rather not fetch your water for the 8th time today but I will do it because I am your slave” – what kind of enjoying her slave would she have if I told her every little thing like this? Being the very loving sensitive person she is to me, she would adjust what she does based upon that and there’s no real reason for her to do that. Also, she hates micromanaging so if she had to make a decision based upon any potentially negative comments I make, that’d be way too much of a burden.

    “I fear hurting our relationship and displeasing Sir.”

    That is a bigger issue and is difficult. There are times to talk about an issue and times not to talk. Part of being human is deciding those times and as subs or slaves that does not in my view remove our responsibility for this. We can certainly adjust what we do for more communication if that’s what helps the relationship go, but to literally say everything which comes to mind does not seem realistic to me. I would prefer to err on the side of more communication but not to an extreme.

    That said, I agree that holding things back for selfish or manipulative gains can be very harmful. It’s not easy knowing what to say or not to say. Everyone blazes their own way in this.

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