My Consent

As it is stated in our contract, I do not have the right to terminate my relationship with Sir although he does.  Before our contract and perhaps before I accepted his collar, I felt this unstated and unacknowledged need to believe I could not leave the relationship.  In fact, I believe it started from the first moment I agreed to meet and be tied by him.  There was no preliminary study period where I contemplated and learned about kink because deep down, I needed to be taken, coaxed, and guided into the lifestyle.  Too many fantasy stories floating around in my head perhaps?  Once taken, I felt I could not leave.  I belong to Sir and serve Sir however he wishes.

I have simultaneously loved and hated my inability to leave the relationship because I couldn’t understand it.  Where was my free will and where was that strong woman who could defy anyone anytime?  Sir told me the leash was clicked onto my collar and perhaps it had always been there and I felt it binding me to him despite many mental attempts to escape.  Each time I attempt to leave or escape, I search deep down inside myself, and read the words, “You cannot leave Sir” engraved on the marble walls of my brain.    This strong conviction has held true through the years we have been together.

Do I really wish to leave the relationship?  The answer is a very emphatic NO! Then what am I consenting to?  Is it a matter of semantics or just words to feel I cannot leave the relationship?  Mere words … yet I must have them to state.  The consent is to feel I cannot leave and I declare it a need and an aspect of my personality.  It is the desire to be pushed and challenged to the point of desiring to leave and then knowing I cannot.   Just as ropes are inescapable so is the relationship.   When the going gets tough there is no where to go.  The consent I ask for is the consent to be me.  To deny me this conviction is to deny me my personality.

My consent is important to me since no physical chains and shackles (Well, maybe sometimes.) or legal document or matrimonial bonds hold us together.  I am like Alice drinking from the bottle, growing smaller, and walking through the little door to a new world and once in that world, I am unable to find the door again.  When I think of that consent, I feel immense power in acknowledging who I am, what I am, and what I believe in.  I am not absolving my responsibility for my own life because that is my power that I bring to the relationship and then surrender to Sir.

But there is always someone who writes on Fetlife that individuals who think like I do could REALLY leave if they wanted to.   Yet I never feel this way despite rough patches and occasional disagreements.  There is  faith in that consent that holds us together.  If Sir desires improvement in my behavior, he will correct it.  If I make a mistake, Sir will forgive me.  Sir accepts me and I no longer fear he will discover the “real” me and run in horror.  We communicate even when its scary and difficult.  It is faith in the system that Sir has set up between Us that is the foundation of that consent.  It is trust that Sir will abide by that process just as he expects me to follow that process.

I am much too introspective, curious, and rebellious though for faith alone to support that consent.  Our relationship is not exempt from the physical laws of reality.  As I drive to meet Sir, I could take the next U-turn.  Prior to that first rope encircling my body, I could open the door and walk out.  My physical needs negate this option and yet my mind enacts my hand touching the door knob and my feet exiting as quickly as possible.  I admit I am a slut and my physical needs control my mental rebellion.  I concede I love the physical part of our relationship but it is more than that because I am not a slave to my bodily needs.

I believe there is a power stronger than my physical needs and even stronger than reality.  The power of my consent is the power in knowing what I value and knowing who I am.  My values and my personality support my ability to provide consent.  I value mental challenges, obedience, and genuine personal relationships.  I am this kinky person who loves rope and a good whipping.  But I equally love being owned and enslaved within this relationship I have with Sir.  My physical and mental needs reflect what I value and who I am.  As I discover subtle nuances of my personality and my needs,  more power is funneled into my consent.  It is understanding the reality of our relationship is stronger than the reality of the physical world.  The chain that binds me to Sir is not physical but who we are together.

But what of change or if some act occurs that negates my understanding of myself, him or of Us?  Isn’t this question just like the one “What if he asks you cut off your finger?”  Do we ever really know another person or ourselves for that matter?  I know myself, him and how we are together in this moment and I must trust in the moment.  The trust is that he will treasure me and not hurt me physically, emotionally, or mentally and if I do not trust this, how can I walk in to the room to be bound?  If I can not trust each moment, how then do I predict the moment I should not trust?  I am once again drawn to the trust and communication we have and rely on that, moment to moment.

In order to think I could leave Sir, walk out that door is to negate everything that I am, he is, and we are together.  Until Sir nullifies our relationship, I belong to him.  I write this with trust, faith, and absolute conviction.  I don’t believe I am unique in my belief concerning my inability to leave the relationship and others feel the same way within their relationships for their own reasons.  But I know I have shied away from understanding it since I felt through understanding I would find the door back to the other world of reality.  But now I know there is no door.

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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