Some Thoughts on Acceptance

At some point in the distant past of my relationship with Sir, during one of my occasional outbursts that I was unworthy of his attention, Sir told me he accepted me, all of me.  When he first said this, I felt this weight of being me lift from my shoulders and a profound sense of well-being, love (sorry Sir!), relief, and amazement.  Then I reflected this can’t be true because I am nothing special and Sir must not see my faults and the weight settled back down and got comfortable.  The typical negative thoughts ran through my head:  He just hasn’t spent enough time with me.  He sees only what I wish him to see.  He must be insane (Oops! Not that one!).  He isn’t smart enough to see past my walls (Yikes! Not that one either!).  I felt wonderful that for whatever reason he had, Sir accepted me but I didn’t quite believe him.  And there was the paradox .. how could I trust him so deeply yet think he lied in this one instance?  I have spent many hours since his utterance trying to understand his statement.  I have beaten myself up, rebelled against Sir, run and hid from this paradox and yet it followed me as if my shadow.

At some point although I don’t remember how, the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach came into my possession.  Although I am not a Buddhist, her words resonated with me and changed my entire perspective on acceptance.  And yet I have hesitated to read the book and the number of false starts is a bit silly.  That part of me screaming of my unworthiness is a strong monster inside me telling me to step away from the book.  But it is not just this book that forced the issue but Sir with his constant repetition of the Serenity Prayer and his annoyance with me.  When Sir gets annoyed in that mad sort of way, it is time to jump into action!  I have vowed to myself to undertake this part of the journey into who I am and not run from the pain and fear but even more so, learn acceptance of myself.  I will get beyond the first chapter in this book, :) .

What prevents me from looking at myself and accepting what is there?  Tara Brach calls it the trance of unworthiness which at first, I rejected as nonsense .. Not me!  Denial is King!  As I read her definition of this strange trance, I saw myself.  Despite my attempts to reach perfection, I always fell short and was never quite good enough in so many ways.  Throughout my life, the recriminations of family, friends, and co-workers reverberated in my head and confirmed my low opinion of myself.  I hid behind the wall of mistrust and isolated the real bonimiss from everyone.  My active isolation led to the need to control everything and everyone around me which was the total opposite of what I truly desired.  Constant to-do lists, high stress environments, judgment of myself and others, anger and depression, and the quest for perfection .. each one a component of the wall of isolation I built around my life.  But it is the judgment of self that is the key to the trance of unworthiness.  I look back at my life and see that I passed control to the Judge, jury, and executioner called self.

I am rather stubborn at times and I argued with Sir concerning his acceptance of me.  I love a good challenge and I felt I could be a better ____ and to run from that challenge was a cowardly act.   I need to feel challenged mentally, physically, and emotional but inherent in that need for challenge lies the act of judgment of Do Better.  It is easy to constantly fall short of expectations and create a false challenge.  I never feel the success of the moment because the jury of self is watching, critiquing, and passing judgment to the high executioner.  Sir has told me to live in the moment and watch out the window with him and yet the destination always beckons me.  It is the challenge of the next bondage session or next whipping luring me out of the present moment of pain and pleasure.  I require the absence of a safe word in order to anchor me in the present.  But I have realized I can be challenged without that constant race to perfection and sentence of failure.  Battling with myself is not a challenge because there is never any winner and I am locked into that trance of unworthiness and failure.

Even in my enlightenment, I realize I am shouting eureka!  So that is what is wrong with me!  But it is not wrong or right but me, a one-of-a-kind individual .. and yes Sir you have told me this also.  If I wasn’t who I was with the need for challenge and even my feelings of unworthiness, I might not have answered his ad and stepped willingly from the station platform into his ropes.  But it is so difficult and painful to leave the Halls of Justice and the Prison of Unworthiness and feel the peace of existence and acceptance.  I am addicted to each moment’s judgment of unworthiness and the resultant cry of Do Better!  I can only try to exist in the acceptance of the moment and love the challenge of the next.  It is frightening to me to leave the security and habit of unworthiness.  But in this moment, right now, I am me and I am OK.  The Judge, jury and executioner can go on vacation.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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2 Responses to Some Thoughts on Acceptance

  1. bonimiss says:

    I think most of us struggle with acceptance of ourselves and at times we are disappointed in our behavior. I think acceptance is letting go of the disappointment, accepting that behavior with compassion, but doesn’t discount changing of the behavior .. or at least trying to. I haven’t read the next chapter yet but hope there is more insight into this concept of acceptance. I am sure I will write more on this topic.

  2. ted_subby says:

    In this issue I think I have encountered the male perspective over my life, that it is rare for a man to find a woman who accepts all of him for him.

    I used to hear that frequently whether it was on TV or in person, finding a woman to accept him for who he is seemed to be rare. The stereotype I’ve heard most of my life is that a woman typically wants to change a man, break him of whatever silly habits or undesirable traits he has. This helped me avoid feeling left out in my 20s at not dating much at all, because I felt it would be mostly impossible for me to be fully accepted by anyone and I knew that I was not capable of being changed by another (or at least not by another’s design).

    It took me a long time to accept my wife’s frequent assertions (in words and actions) that she accepts all of me, even the parts that she does not like that much. I think that is where I struggle the most, because I love her so much that I want her not only to love me fully (as she does) but also to be her wonderful husband at all times. Being human (and then some), I am not wonderful all of the time and sometimes I’m very unwonderful. I disappoint myself at times and then beat myself up for it, although I realize that this is not reasonable behavior and I stop myself (usually).

    It is interesting to see your perspective on this. I did not have much of a judge, jury, and executioner issue as you indicate, until I met my wife and then I became harder on myself despite her being very accepting of me.

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