Evolution

Day 23:  Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Since my first kinky thought to the present, I want to say I am a totally different person but I hesitate to say that because basically I am the same person but now I know who I am.   I feel at times I walk amongst the ruins of the barriers to myself and like an archeologist seek to unearth even more hidden layers.  But unlike layers, those building blocks of self are related and dependent on each other and could only shift as the tension on the ropes holding them stationary loosened and tightened.  This process never ends as I adapt and evolve with my thoughts and experiences.

My initial interest was bondage and I felt that would be the end of it but then I felt I needed to be dominated.  I wasn’t quite sure what that meant although I would say the words out loud to Sir.  The need to be tied up and to be dominated came from deep inside me that had been struggling to get out for a long time.  Sir taught me about power exchange relationships and what it meant to surrender control of various aspects of my life.  My interests in kink broadened to include impact play and metal restraints and continue to evolve as I learn to top Sir.  I became more open sexually and learned to enjoy various types of play.  I welcomed identifying as his slut.  As I became more willing to try new things, I opened my mind and welcomed the variety of experiences in my everyday life.  New play experiences fueled my desire to do everything I could conceive and I found new strength and courage.  I even went on roller coasters, a definite first.

As play with Sir intensified, other aspects of my personality had to evolve in step with the play in order for it to feel right to me.   It is a variation on form follows function I guess.  If my function was to be Sir’s, the form of my personality had to change and shift in order to be what he needs.   I couldn’t progress without respect, friendship, trust and other personality traits but I had never contemplated these concepts and how they influenced my life and decisions.  I was ignorant of myself and my life and what was truly important to me.  I have done more thinking about life since I met Sir than in all my prior years of living.  I dissected the why’s of my life and determined what I value.   I had to answer some questions and learn that others had no answers and this was OK.

Some things were so difficult to accept.  I did not want to surrender to Sir and be dependent.  Even now, trust constantly adapts to the new experiences I encounter with Sir.  When we first starting playing, I would worry when bound about the edge of the bed and falling off of it.  Sir would ask me “Don’t you trust me?” and be very annoyed.  Somewhere over the course of the months, I stopped asking and I implicitly know I will come to no harm.  Trust takes many forms in a variety of amounts but it is always there unlike my past life experiences.  No matter what Sir offered me, I could not allow myself to become dependent if I did not trust.  I remember writing emails where I would wail to Sir “… but I am dependent on you!” and fight it in hand-to-hand combat internally.   Perhaps my independence was the first part of me that I surrendered to Sir.

After Sir collared me, I was so confused and unsure what it meant and did not foresee how this concept would change me.  It is his ownership of me that centers me and gives me purpose.  His ownership says I am something of value to him but also to myself.  But what is value?  In the beginning of our relationship I would complain that I was not “perfect” for him.  I lacked so many things and the things I did have were not really what he wanted.  Perfection does not exist between 2 people because a relationship adapts and evolves.  Perfection signifies a destination and the end of the journey.  Sir taught me there is no destination just the journey.  I do not seek perfection but I do seek contentment, constant learning, and challenge.  I have struggled with my self-esteem within our relationship and and I still judge and find myself lacking in many ways.  I will get there someday.  The words he spoke in the beginning are still valid:  Why would I own something I did not value?

I found I loved feeling obedient to Sir’s rules and when I contemplated my vanilla life, I could see how I searched for routine, created to-do lists, and sought out a higher authority to delineate my world.  I crave the structure of an organized world whether it be mental, physical, or emotional.  This need was always there but has never been satisfied until I entered into this relationship with Sir.  I also love those moments when I surrender and know I am Sir’s property to do with as he wishes.  This sense of pride, joy, and tremendous worth through service and fulfillment of his needs completes me.   It is not just Sir’s control through rules and my own structure that defines me but also self control of my emotions and thoughts.  My life skills have improved, in particular, patience.  I actually think before I speak now and take care with how I organize my thoughts and present them.  He forces me to think or I hear that tone we all dislike.

I have left the vanilla world behind and embraced my kinkiness although lately I have wondered why I need bother labeling my actions vanilla or kinky.  I am me without games or ulterior motives and I see I have always been like this.  I am a work in progress and as I write this, I wonder how I will change and what I will think a year from now.  I have my moments where I think I understand but also those moments of doubt and rebellion and confusion.  But there is one thing I am totally sure of .. my relationship with Sir has made me a better person.  I seek understanding of myself and through that journey, I am able to offer a genuine bonimiss to the world.  Some questions still need answers but I no longer stick my head in the sand like an ostrich but embrace my ignorance, challenge myself and go forward.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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