Dealing with Anger (SGBHC #12)

How do you resolve anger in your relationship? What if the Dominant has angered you, how do you handle it? What methods do you recommend people try to calm down and resolve conflict without anger?

Anger and I are old friends.  I don’t like to get angry because it means I am out of control and not functioning in a rational manner.  But I also know to hide that anger deep down inside me doesn’t bode well for anyone around me.  It will lie dormant but eventually will come out somehow and may not be directed at the cause of the anger.  So within the confines of this question, I get angry most often with myself.  Unfortunately when I am angry at myself, it impacts our relationship.  And I admit, some of may anger is directed at Sir whether justified or not.

In the beginning of our relationship, I think Sir and I got angry because we didn’t know each other’s quirks.  Comments were easily misunderstood and it took patience and communication to develop a language between us.  Now that we know each other’s use of language and viewpoint, situations where we are mad at each other are infrequent.  Now we can disagree about a topic and beg to differ or if needed, I am punished and life goes on.  There is a method to our madness, so to speak.

More often, I am angry with myself or our relationship in general.  Long distance relationships are hard work.  Kinky relationships are hard work.  Of course, the benefits outweigh the negatives but the question asks about anger.  The hard work is challenging, rewarding and so much fun but sometimes it would be nice if it was just easy!  And some days it is just easy but then there are THOSE days where I would just love to be in control.  Maybe I can blame menopause, the evil twin of PMS.

I get angry at who I am.  Why must I love bondage and my freedom equally?  Why do I want to be in control yet want to give it to Sir with equal intensity?   Why must I yearn for Sir with each heartbeat yet love my solitary, independent nature?  Why must I be patient and wait yet enjoy the control I reassert while waiting?  Why can’t I be right now and then?  Damn paradoxes!  I answer these questions in infinite ways and somedays, I don’t like the answers.   In other words, I rebel.  Another cause of my anger is frustration over things that I don’t understand.  Sometimes I have thought a punishment unfair and undeserved.  Sometimes I think my viewpoint is more valid and rational.  Sometimes I think I am in the 2-year old phase of kinky growing up and I just want to throw a nice tantrum in order to get what I want and yes, right now!

When I sense one of these days, I try to calm down and attempt desperately to control myself and not let Sir see that I am rebelling (but he always knows).  I focus on obedience but may not write to him that day.  My thinking is why present myself for punishment and ruin his day with my improper behavior?  My answer is to go expel some of this negative energy with exercise or running and think about the cause of the anger.  I firmly believe understanding the cause of my anger leads to its dissolution.  I could call these moments internal conquer-me moments where I must remember my role and as Sir says play my position.  I may write an email to myself and pour all of my frustrations, anger, and unfairness into my words.  When I read these emails days later, I am so thankful Sir never saw them.  Yikes!  I am not a natural submissive and I have to accept these moments of rebellion and learn how to make them work for me and not against what I need.  These moments have also been the moments where I have learned about myself, about my submission, and what is truly important to me.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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5 Responses to Dealing with Anger (SGBHC #12)

  1. bonimiss says:

    Thank you for your comments.

  2. emeralds says:

    it was wonderful to hear that others have issues with dealing with anger with their Dominant… your comments were really down to earth and suggestions really helpful… thank you for sharing..

  3. Pingback: Dealing With Anger | Submissive Guide

  4. Pingback: SGBHC #12 – Dealing With Anger | Submissive Guide

  5. ted_subby says:

    > Comments were easily misunderstood and it took patience and communication to develop a language between us.

    That was very true for my wife and me. The first year was very tough but then the tide turned once we understood each other better.

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