Don’t Yuck My Yum

Day 18: Any BDSM/kinky pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

My biggest pet peeve is our ability to condemn each other for our own unique kinkiness.  Of course, I generalize saying we all do it but since we are all human, I can’t believe there is a saintly person out there in kinky-land that doesn’t at one point say “Yuck!”.  But if someone can raise their hand, I apologize.  I know I am guilty at times and Sir reminds me I am being narrow minded or generalizing or stereotyping.  I try to remind myself that I can never view life from other’s viewpoint and perhaps their life is right for them.  And if it is not, perhaps it is right for them at this moment in time as they learn and grow and learn.  Although Fetlife provides a valuable service, it also has its downside.  As I read Fetlife, I frequently see rants against many aspects of my relationship with Sir.

One accusation that I dislike is that long distance relationships are not real.  This is the furthest from the truth for Sir and I.  I am a real person with real feelings and it is not role-playing or pretend to me.  Although I long for him in our time apart, it also adds a perspective that may not be obtainable in relationships where the partners live together. There are many relationships that fall within this long distance category that others accept:  living apart due to work responsibilities, the armed forces, and school situations.  Why are these valid relationships and long distance D/s relationships pretend?  There may be some individuals that do pretend or lead on the Dominant or lead on the submissive but untrustworthy individuals are a characteristic of the population in general not only those identifying with an LDR.  When I read the positive comments on Fetlife where the LDR has survived over a decade or more, I am proud of myself and my relationship with Sir.  It takes communication, trust, friendship, and sacrifice to make it a “real” relationship.

As do many of the people new to kink, I went through the obligatory hunt for a label for a spell and then gave up.  But the hunt was important and I feel it helped me define my feelings and my needs and give names to my emotions.  However, this is how I feel and perhaps others feel a label is mandatory and I leave it to them to figure it out.  Even others will argue and debate the actions necessary to perform before a certain label can be used.  Some of this is enlightening and spurs discussion of behaviors but when it becomes mean spirited and denigrating, it is counter productive.  There is not a pot of sub labels, slave labels, etc. and when they run out, a person must go to another pot.  I don’t understand why there can’t be a gentler, kinder, play-nice-in-the -sandbox discussion especially when people are new.

There is no doing “it” right also although I frequently see comments that berate the OP about how they are going about finding a partner and determining their needs.  Unless the OP is in physical danger, perhaps how that person is learning about themselves is the manner they learn.  I know my journey is unique and I must own my journey however it turns out.  Due to my circumstances, my knowledge of my needs was abysmal  and I frequently write that I am lucky to have found Sir.  Whenever I attempted to gather advice, I was told to determine my needs first.  I learn by doing and still am learning about my needs as they evolve along with our relationship.  I went out looking for Domination and seized the moment and whether it turned out right or wrong, this was my decision.  My way was right for me and other people should be allowed to determine what is right for them without the chorus of “not-right” singing in the background.

At times, it feels the kinky community is a microcosm of the external population that attempts to cull from the herd anyone different rather than protect all that identify with group.  In the beginning of this adventure, I know I kept waiting for the kinky police to appear at my door and say nope you are not wanted.  It was a matter of understanding myself and then finding similar group characteristics and finally saying to myself, yes you are one of those “kinds” of people.  In the end though, I could only find others that had similar views and I do not agree with everyone on every aspect of all known kinks.  We are all individuals and thats OK.  One of me is enough for this world.  One of each of us is enough.  I want to feel a part of something so that when I feel so different from the rest of the world, I can still stand up and say this is me and this is my community that will defend my right to be me.  Maybe we need someone who can threaten to pull the car over until we all get along.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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4 Responses to Don’t Yuck My Yum

  1. bonimiss says:

    Thank you @ted_subby and @Selkie for your comments. Sadly, how Fetlife works is a reflection how the country views things today. But I still find it fascinating to try to understand other people .. I can’t help it. So even though I am definitely a lurker on Fetlife, I am still drawn to it. Perhaps my skin has gotten thicker or I have more confidence in myself but the irritations of the stone throwers have lessened but they still are a pet peeve of mine.

  2. Selkie says:

    I have to say that I don’t miss this about FetLife – or the macrocosm either, for that matter. Its one of the reasons why I’m a loner, to be honest. Its the number 1 reason why I love heavy horses. In the saddle horse circles, people are so damned critical of every teeny thing you do. Whenever I brought my horse into the riding ring(which was rare and this is why), suddenly 30 people showed up out of nowhere to line up along the fence and critique my skill. Out loud. Oddly though, never loud enough for me to hear, just everyone else on the fence.

    In the heavy horse circles, nobody gives a flying fart in space how you ride or drive because, well let’s face it: when it comes to heavy draft horses, its obviously not a beauty pageant, is it? Lol! It all comes down to winning personalities with them, which they have in spades!

    Anywho, I learned early on that this is the way people are and which is why I would probably never join a BDSM club, or regularly attend munches, even if Master allowed it. As a matter of fact, I’m not a member of ANY vanilla clubs, either, even my local book clubs don’t interest me.

  3. ted_subby says:

    bonimiss, I think many of us agree with you that people often berate or at least judge others for their situations such as the comment that LDR is not real. It’s terrible and I truly do not understand the thought process because in my entire life I would never pass judgment on what someone else does as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual, in the vanilla or BDSM world.

    “I can’t believe there is a saintly person out there in kinky-land that doesn’t at one point say “Yuck!”.”

    I do say yuck in the sense that I would want someone else’s situation but I would never say “yuck you are in a bad situation” to pass some sort of judgment. We all see the FetLife posts in which judgment is passed but I believe that there are a whole lot of us who do not judge others’ lives, we just tend to be less vocal about our lack of desire to judge someone else.

    I actually sometimes post gentle reminders to those who are hostile to newbies. Though that risks eliciting a hostile response, so far I have been greeted only with silence (which is okay) or a couple of times by the poster realizing that their tone was harsh.

    On my very first FetLife thread I opened almost a year ago, I was referring to play and used the term D/s instead of BDSM. I got jumped on due to the misunderstanding (it wasn’t just the use of the term, it was the meaning behind it) until the moderator corrected me and then the tone of the thread became very enjoyable.

    Hostility to newbies is my pet peeve, similar to yours.

    -Bluebonnet1′s Ted

  4. Selkie says:

    You went out looking for Domination and seized the moment – awesome! I mean, there’s nothing wrong with sitting in the back of the classroom sometimes, but I’m a big believer in taking the bull by the horns and just winging it because making mistakes is better than a lifetime of regret over missed opportunities.

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