Lies

I seldom comment on posts on Fetlife.  By the time I read a particular post, all has been said that needs to be said.  I back away from repetition of the same comment because I get bored reading the same thing over and over again.  But recently I had to comment on the post “I am a big, fat liar” in the Long Distance group.  The Dominant in this online relationship confessed that she lied from the moment her relationship began with her sub and wanted to let the community know she was a horrible person.  The community agreed with this self-assessment and gave her a very public thrashing.  I cannot get this situation out of my mind for some reason.  It feels not only a betrayal of the involved sub but of all of us in long distance and online relationships.

And yet, we all lie at one time or another.  Perhaps Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama are exempt?  I know I have lied, small white lies and then some huge whoppers.  Lies are the manipulation of the truth for some selfish purpose.  In the past, I have lied in order to get something I wanted such as the good will of others, to acquire something I wanted, or to deceive others.  But I am also a direct person who tries to do the right thing so my lies have been few and scattered throughout my life.  If I graphed my propensity for lies the majority of my lies would fall in my teenage years.  I was a very naughty girl!  As I matured, I realized lies only hurt myself especially since I was responsible for my own adult life.  More often than not, I was too truthful which can also get you into trouble.  I had to learn just when to keep my mouth shut.

And then I met Sir and learned of power exchange relationships.  From the beginning, I did not want to lie and I haven’t.  Could I lie to Sir?  I don’t believe I could.  How could I wait for Sir and surrender my being to him with a foundation of lies?  I would not find the strength to endure and the lie would be revealed.  It is just not in me.  Lies and manipulaton are a pointless waste of time.  I don’t believe Sir could lie to me either.  What would either of us gain by lying when the result of the power exchange is trust?  It is truth in reality that I crave most of all at this point in my life.  The ropes hold.  We will meet.  There are no hidden agendas.  I belong to Sir.  I need these truths in reality to be absolutes.

There is always the question of proof in long distance and online relationships.  How do we really know what the other person is thinking and feeling and what are they doing in that other life removed from us?  I think this is why I am so taken aback by this Dominant’s manipulation of the sub.  I would come to the conclusion that I was being laughed at and ridiculed by the Dominant and I would have trouble trusting in subsequent relationships.  I would heal eventually but I would be forever altered by such an encounter.

The proof in these relationships is the ability to trust and to really know the other person.  Trust must grow like a small seedling and be watered, fertilized, given sunlight and weeds removed.  It is the predictability and consistency of actions by the other person.  It is exposing vulnerabilities and knowing that the other person doesn’t think you are stupid or laughing at your foibles and faults.  As Sir’s property, I reveal myself to him without expectations of reciprocity or gain and trust he will insure the growth of trust between us and care for me.  So I trust Sir and feel my decision is based on the proof of what I see and feel and I do not doubt Us.  To contemplate the loss of this trust is impossible.   But my heart goes out to the sub in this post and I wish them well and the ability to trust again.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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2 Responses to Lies

  1. bonimiss says:

    @ted_subby Thank you for your comment.

  2. ted_subby says:

    This is a great subject. I was in a LDR for 3 months with the woman who would become my wife (going on over 15 years now) and I was hyper-sensitive to the fact that people lie. I wasn’t concerned about my wife lying I guess because I’m a rather trusting person but I was concerned that my wife would think I would lie. She was not a trusting person in general and I kept telling her that I wanted to earn her trust over the long term, never 100% trust, but just whatever she would feel comfortable with.

    After talking on the phone every night for a week I offered to give her my drivers license number, social security number, and anything else she wanted. This was foolish of course because of identify theft etc but this was 20 years ago before that was publicized so much. In any case, we both realized that there wasn’t anything we could do if the other lied so while we didn’t trust fully, we allowed our relationship to grow nonetheless.

    Finally when I flew to her location to meet her, while she was driving me to her home I lay my head on her shoulder and we knew that we were the right ones for each other and that we hadn’t lied.

    I have more to say about lies. Up until I met my wife I almost never lied. I agree with everything you say about lies and how harmful they are to everyone including one’s self. An additional factor is that I hated the idea of keeping track of what I said earlier. I say the truth and if something comes up later I can just say the truth and not have to worry about whether my stories match up. That was a big factor for me and I’m guessing I learned that as a young child, though I do not remember an incident.

    But I said above “until I met my wife.” With her I have learned a legit reason to lie and that it to avoid hurting her. It is unfortunately easy for two people who love each other a lot to inadvertently hurt each other. The first year of our marriage was a lot about learning what pushes each other’s buttons both positively and negatively.

    I certainly do not advocate lying, especially anything other than a “white lie.” But that said, I am sometimes weak and instead of wanting to say something to hurt my wife I find a way to avoid that. Usually I can just say the truth, of course, a hurting issue doesn’t come up often but when it does come up I try to skirt around but if I have to then I will lie. I won’t lie about something important because those need to be addressed and I won’t lie about something I would be caught about.

    “Are you enjoying yourself?” “Yes” is one simple example. I want her to have a good time and to think I am having a good time.

    I am not a member of that FetLife group and I don’t want to post in that thread because my thoughts probably somewhat mirror others’ but I was moved by your entry to post here.

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