Paradox

Journal Prompt from Submissive Guide Journal Prompts, July 10, 2012

“D/s is filled with similar paradox’s. Such as Pain/pleasure. Enslavement/freedom. A circular and connected balance to exist between apparent opposites.” – Master Nik

An important aspect of my submission is the resolution of my inner paradoxes.  In one of our earliest emails in our relationship, Sir and I discussed these paradoxes and I was able to understand why I had so much turmoil and confusion for the first time in my life.  I am not one to sit idly by and accept life as is .. I must have answers and I will ask why? until a gag is put into my mouth.  This search for the answers to the whys of life drives me and has determined my choice of professions and the choices in my life.  My personality quirk can be molded but not eliminated or else I would not be me.

I can remember sitting in English class in college reading Candide and questioning the professor about certain themes in the books.  I became quite emotional during the discussion and exhibited such frustration with the book resulting in “Why is Candide like this!  What is the resolution?” and the professor answered “There are some questions in this book that have no answer.”  What!  Books always had the answer, the happy ending, and the murder identified by the turn of the last page.   A book with no answers?  Heresy!  I am sure it was a comedic moment in the class.  I resolved that my life would have answers and all paradoxes resolved unknowingly not recognizing the futility of my quest.

I found no answers or happy ending (luckily no murders happened) until I found Sir and understood the urges inside me.  Sir relieves me of asking why, a burden that had grown so heavy that I like Candide wondered if to do nothing was all there was to life.  I have often written to Sir that I feel like I am walking a tightrope and if I fall to one side, I am free to ask why and think I have answers.   If I fall to the other side, he is in control and I must give up asking why.  There  are moments on that tightrope that I do contemplate that other side and I fight to balance on the tightrope and I feel the pain cutting into my feet and the fear of falling until I remember, surrender, and embrace his ownership.  Because in that feeling of ownership, there is the paradoxical feeling of freedom and soaring and relief from why.  I know there is freedom in surrender and yet I fight it since I want to control my own questions and answers … but wait, no, I don’t, when I have the courage to admit it.

Intellectually,  I readily accept that pain and pleasure are just different sides of the same coin and don’t dwell on this paradox.  Sir has told me from the beginning of our relationship of the fusion of pain and pleasure.  There have been those moments with Sir where I am puzzled as to what I am experiencing:  Is it pain?  Was that pleasure?   And I may need to be reminded I cannot use my safe word for too many orgasms despite the commutative properties of the mathematical equation Pain = Pleasure.

However, the paradox of enslavement and freedom sometimes irritates me greatly.  If I am so smart and such a control freak, why can’t I ask why and find my own answers?  For half a century, I needed little from anyone and I survived but I was not happy.  I end up on that same tightrope teetering until I contemplate the totality of our relationship and I surrender to Sir.  Of course, sometimes he has to give me a bit of a nudge to push me into feeling his slave .. sometimes more of a big push!  So I desire that freedom I receive from submission and yet still fight the surrender.  So my needs are circular as Master Nik writes but knowing this certainly doesn’t make it any easier to just say Yes to Sir because in the end, I am still me that will always ask why.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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