Roots

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood?

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist and there is more than enough written about the nature vs. nurture question.  I guess this is my disclaimer that I don’t know what I am writing about except I am writing about myself and what I think are the roots of my submission.  Personally I believe my nature is embedded in my genes but that my upbringing and life experiences have taken my biochemistry and molded it to what I am and will be.  The words I will use to describe my kink feel right to me and have become a language I use with Sir to explain my needs and what is going on inside my head.  Perhaps my personal understanding is as common as Starbucks but since I have not researched this, I do not know.

I did not sleep as a toddler and my parents explained to me it was common to find me up playing and refusing to stay in bed at midnight.  I can imagine my parents predicament now since my own children did not sleep as toddlers.  I bet they tried pleading, cajoling, incentives, yelling, spanking and all the other parental methods they could dream up.   I remember two episodes during my childhood that concerned this battle at bedtime.

The first incident involved my parents locking me outside the front door during a hot, muggy summer evening.  In my mind, it had to be in the middle of the night and I remember the slam of the door, the click of the lock and the noise of the cicadas sounding as loud as my heartbeat.  I was frightened, hysterical with tears, and know I pounded on the door to be let back into the safety of my home.  In my memory, my parents left me on the front step for hours and I wonder if I felt the need to find a new home or make my own way in the world.  My parents say I was about 3 years old at the time and this is one of my earliest memories.  Imagine my surprise when I recently found a photo of my 3 year old self in my pajamas crying on the front steps and it was certainly not the middle of the night.  The second incident involved another muggy summer night where I heard the screen door slam and I just knew my parents had abandoned me and I was alone forever.  I jumped out of bed screaming and ran to the kitchen looking to follow them.  My mom looked at me and said not to be silly, my Dad was taking the garbage out.

Somehow these childhood memories are rooted in my need for a power exchange relationship and my kink, although I could certainly be wrong and I just rationalize my needs with these memories.  Of course, one of the themes based on these memories is my fear of abandonment and inability to form lasting emotional relationships over the course of my life.  As my trust in Sir and our relationship has deepened, I have overcome fear guiding my life and triggering the ending of the relationship.  There are moments where the primal fear of abandonment rises in the pit of my stomach but I focus on trusting Sir not trusting the fear.  The fear is irrational and is tinged with questions of reality and my perception of it.  Sir has helped me through these moments with his reliability, consistency and belief in me.

Another theme from these memories is the yearning for safety inside a defined, contained environment.  I call this feeling containment and perhaps I misuse the word but it fits.  This theme of containment and safety is prevalent throughout my life in physical, emotional and mental ways.     Physically, I enjoy tight bondage with pain forcing me to accept that I cannot escape and run away.  Emotionally and mentally I must surrender all of me in order to feel safe and secure.  It is almost as if I am trying to recreate my childhood experience and feel safe behind the door and not disconnected and lost on the front stoop.  Even as I wait for Sir, it is a temporal room that contains my energy and focus.   I must feel the presence of a boundary line somehow and I am either on the side of safety or on the other side scattered and lost with nervous energy clouding my mind.  When I am scattered, I am constantly searching for a method to generate that feeling of safety, belonging, and ownership.

Perhaps my thinking is nothing more than searching for childhood memories to match my feelings and I certainly don’t blame my upbringing for my kinky needs.  My needs are the sum total of my experiences and decisions based on my genetics and I cannot escape the result anymore than I can escape from Sir’s bondage.  However, the concepts of abandonment, containment and safety that I use to describe my needs have helped me understand and define my needs in my relationship with Sir.  I believe it is why my relationship with Sir is based predominately on obedience rather than service and that I yearn for ropes wrapped tightly about my body.  It is almost like once I said yes to Sir’s collar, I was allowed back into the house and now  ”no” is banished from my vocabulary.  Obedience and bondage are what center me, provide security and emotional strength, and somehow reduce that fear I have carried with me since childhood.  It is when I feel I am at home and on the correct side of the door.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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3 Responses to Roots

  1. ted_subby says:

    Our past definitely influences our present in some way but to look at an incident and be able to predict how it would affect us is shaky at best. Selkie, as you say, vanillas have childhood incidents too.

    I know that many like to understand why they are the way they are but that just gets me hitting my head against the wall. I like to focus on either changing myself (not that I would want to, and if I did want to then good luck with that lol) or learning to maximize what I do with what I am. I like to do that but sometimes instead I just stand in the middle of the room and say I wanna I wanna I wanna.

    -Bluebonnet1′s Ted

  2. bonimiss says:

    There is no way to know since we can’t go back in time and relive those moments although I would be the first to raise my hand for that experiment. I often think my memories are my way of rationalizing and accepting my behavior since I am late to the kinky game. My ego demands a reason and my memories fill the void. Sir thinks my memories have nothing to do with who I am, it is simply genetics.

  3. Selkie says:

    I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on this question recently. I used to hate the idea that past negativity influences current behaviour as far as kink is concerned (was it Freud who postulated this theory?). But after discussing this with another submissive, I’m beginning to wonder.

    When I was about 9 years old, there was a boy on my street who was about as rotten as one can be and every kid in our neighborhood was terrified of him. Well, he developed a crush on me and so bullied me a little differently than he did the others. I remember him pinning me against walls and kissing me, caressing my hair, telling me how cute I was. Then he’d pull out his pocket knife and threaten me with it, once chasing me all the way home with the knife at my back.

    Now, I’m in a D/s marriage with a sadist, although we’ve never played with knives, and don’t intend to, since He’s more about impact play.

    But, I’ll bet most vanilla folks could bring up half a dozen negative experiences from their pasts, and they may not have a single interest in BDSM. I don’t know, maybe I should just go back to not thinking too much about why I do what I do. Life’s much simpler that way…

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