Waiting

Sir and I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now.  It is difficult although difficult in a different way than in the beginning.  At first, I didn’t understand Sir’s definition of a long distance relationship.  I had this fantasy of constant contact and frequent real time visits.  It came down to a choice to accept the relationship as he defined it or walk away and I chose to stay.  That was my first submissive act in our relationship now that I reflect upon it.  As my knowledge of BDSM increased and I understood the kinky culture, my understanding of the characteristics of a long distance relationship also changed.  It was similar to awakening in Oz and seeing colors for the first time however it was a tornado of months not minutes.  And I knew only my goal of how waiting should feel and look not how to get there.

I knew I had to accept waiting once I made that choice but the problem was compounded by sub frenzy.  We would meet and the ecstasy of bondage would overpower my mind and I would be lost for days following our session in a quagmire of desire, intense emotions, and the newness of our relationship and the feel of his ropes.  It would take all my energy to focus and live some semblance of life and be responsible and fulfill my obligations.  My mind was overloaded with information and I had to figure it out and I am not sure how I did that.  I could go back and read those early emails but I know Sir was the reason I found solutions.   Submissive Guide and fetlife were a wonderful source of tips, success stories, and emotional support for our LDR and realized I was not alone and that others had similar experiences and other solutions.  It was reassuring to know that others struggled and survived and I was not going crazy.  However, I still struggle with letting go of the physicality of him after we meet and cling to the memories for as long as possible.

Erroneously, I believed waiting was some monster to be conquered or tamed to my satisfaction.  Once I had vanquished it, it would not be a problem and I could live my life as before with the added pleasure Sir gave me.  At some point in these past 3 years, I came to the realization that waiting is something that Sir places high value on so I strive to do it well.  But it is a challenge for me each and every time I drive away from Sir.  Do I do “it” better now?  I hope so but it is hard work each and every time.  I use all the methods and suggestions I have found beneficial but none solve the problem of yearning physically, mentally, and emotionally for Sir because it is not a problem that needs to be overcome but a state of being that must be accepted.  I have come to the conclusion it is the mindset of waiting that is paramount.  I must accept the validity of my life as is without dependence on Sir.  I know he is waiting as I am waiting but the act of waiting is a positive, energizing force not depressive.  It is a struggle to get to this mindset each time and I rebel against it since all that I am yearns to be with him.  It is probably my most intense moment of surrender in our relationship.

I saw Sir yesterday and today is no different than all the other day-afters except I know I will accept waiting, the days will go on, and I will see him again.  Waiting is like the rhythmic clickity-clack of the train and so I know in the upcoming days, I will rebel and want to seize control and yet I won’t dare.  I will pour myself into my life and then he will tell me a date and I will forget instantly how hard it has been.  The trick is focusing on the present but it is compounded by the desire for Us in the present.  There is some part of me that enjoys how difficult it is to wait and loves the challenge of my inner emotional battles.  But perhaps my writing is just false rationalization for obscuring I am not in control of our relationship or when we will meet.  Sir is.

So I wait again.  And it is still difficult.  But it is so worth it.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
This entry was posted in Emotions, Service, Submission and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Waiting

  1. bonimiss says:

    @ted_subby. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your taking the time to do this because I know I read blogs including yours and don’t comment very often. I try to write once a week about something that intrigues me. My day-to-day life is somewhat boring and I will never have the time to write everyday.

  2. ted_subby says:

    Interesting perspective. I enjoy reading your blog which is so different from my blog and some other blogs I read in that you do not recount day-to-day occurrences but instead focus on your feelings within specific topics. That is very cool.

    I had a LDR with the woman who would become my wife for several months and would see her every weekend but I couldn’t stand the waiting and said the heck with it and gave up my career (or paused it really) to be with her. I would probably not have the strength to wait for a long time and if I didn’t really have a choice for some legit reason I have no idea what I would do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>