To Hesitate

Journal Prompt from Submissive Guide Journal Prompts, June 8, 2011

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

I thought I was the only one to hesitate to reveal my feelings through writing.  In the early days of our relationship, I would pour out my feelings with no filter to Sir.  This got me into a spot of trouble a few times.  But I also censored myself and did silly things like email my thoughts to myself, delete my email, or write at the end of my email many mea culpa’s.  Most of these retractions were due to the newness of our relationship and not knowing each other very well.  Friendship, trust and respect were in their infancy and had yet to develop to the point were openness was acceptable between us.  I had not heard of transparency nor power exchange relationships and I had quite a bit to learn.

The foundation of Us now exists and yet there are times I still hesitate to hit the send or publish button.  My finger hovers and I reread my words once again.  I ponder the honesty of my words and wonder if I am topping from below or playing emotional chess?  I always attempt to let my words stew a few hours or days if I question their authenticity.  I do not wish to hide my thoughts from Sir but I do not wish to use transparency as a tool to seize control.  There is a fine line sometimes.

If my words pass my test of factual and emotional truth, I remind myself that Sir will not abandon me.  It is not my role to predict the outcome of his response to my words.  His thoughts belong to him and I am not attempting to control those thoughts with my words.  If my words please him, I may see the text “Good girl”.  Sometimes he may disagree and then we discuss what I have written and perhaps I change my opinion but perhaps not.  Many times I have seen the wisdom of his words days if not weeks later and Sir has allowed me the time to mature in my own way and in my own time.  It has been his acceptance of me and that moment in my growth that has given me the courage to hit send many times.

I can be right or wrong but I am not judged and then banished from the relationship.  In the beginning of our relationship, I carried this fear uppermost in my mind and yet I poured out my feelings and questions to Sir with almost reckless abandon.  The first thought after hitting that send button would be “You have done it now bonimiss .. he will surely terminate the relationship.”  I would wait on his reply with a panic in my mind and heart not knowing and not trusting and berate myself for my rashness.   Now I counter that thought with the security of friendship, respect, and acceptance and know even if I hear the displeasure in his voice at my words, it is all OK.  Even if he senses rebellion in my words, I know then I will be punished but not kicked to the dreaded curb.

So what do I remind myself as my finger hovers over send?  I remember to trust in his acceptance of me in my many shades of gray (far more than 50).

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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