The Feeling of Submission

24. What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

I have a confession to make:  I do not live my life feeling submissive 24/7.  In fact, I would hazard a guess I hope to feel submissive maybe 10 minutes a day.  However, I do feel owned most of the time except on those days I feel utterly rebellious.  These numbers perhaps shouldn’t be written for Sir to read but in the interest of transparency, it is what it is.  For myself, the feelings of submission and ownership are related yet different faces to my state of being.  It would be easy to blame these poor numbers on our long distance relationship but I bet the numbers would creep up slowly even if we lived together.  I am not by nature a submissive creature and only later in life have learned I don’t need to be stubbornly in charge of everything.  When things are going wrong and I think I have the solution, I still find it difficult to keep my mouth shut in those situations where my input is not desired.  But by doing this, I have found out my solution maybe wasn’t the best or only answer and it is important to let others contribute.  I ramble but the conclusion to draw is I don’t give up leadership or control easy.  It has been an important life-long lesson to just let it go.

The feeling of submission comes over me when I realize I am painted into that corner of the room in my mind with no where to turn.  I have gone through the endless list of permutations and combinations looking for answers, solutions, ways out … any mental or physical means of escape and found I am caged or held tight.  It is a difficult mental moment to accept that Sir has placed me in that position.  It might be during bondage, pain play or some mental situation.  I always say to myself “Sir has out-smarted me again!” but not with regret but with joy that he is consistently one step ahead of me.  However I never give up but only think next time Sir.  My constant struggle is acknowledging my body may relinquish control but my mind doesn’t necessarily follow.

But there are also quiet moments of submission when I feel I provide a valued service to Sir.  When waiting, there is always a deep moment of submission when I accept the time between visits.  Submission is yielding to be used by him as he desires but also knowing I have tremendous value in his eyes.  Submission is more about the realization I am not in control and yielding to Sir that which is his:  a unique entity he can control.  It is a tough mindset to maintain in the chaos of my life.  Lately when I remember to address Sir with the title “Sir”, I feel submissive and mentally acknowledge he is in charge.  I am working on this and still frequently hesitate or forget or question again his control.

Sometimes when I am being obedient, I also feel submissive but not often.  I can be obedient yet still resist mentally while my body obeys in an attempt to please him.   I question my body like an evil co-conspirator of Sir’s and traitor to myself, “Why are you doing this?” and “Yield nothing!” and get angry yet elated if I hear Good girl.  Obedience is a test of his control but not necessarily my submission.  Obedience is only submissive in nature if I approach it with the proper mindset of ownership and pleasing him with my service of obedience not with a begrudging attitude.  Although many of his rules are now incorporated into the structure of my life, I can never predict when I will dig in my heels and say not today Sir.

The feeling of ownership is acceptance, belonging, friendship and security and all of these feelings can instigate moments of submission.  It is knowing if I screw up, I am still owned and not abandoned.  The resultant punishment for messing up reaffirms this sense of ownership.  It is clasping on his collar when I can and feeling the totality of our relationship with submitting to his control, bondage, and friendship.  Ownership and submission at times are woven together and at times are totally separate cloths.

Submission is surrendering the control of the fulfillment of something I want to control to him either through his overt control, obedience, or ownership or simply by my own choice to please him.  It is mentally connecting to the moment of surrender of that control and is interconnected and dependent on these other feelings.  They support each other yet are also prerequisites to submission.  I have yet to figure out how Sir controls all of this messy stuff in my head but he does.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
This entry was posted in 30 Days of Submission, Emotions, Submission, Submissive Guide Journal Prompts and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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