Whispers and Metamorphosis

30 Days of Kink - Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky

I grew up on the eve of change during the 60′s or at least to a child, it appeared everything was changing ahead of me.  The Civil Rights and Women’s Movement, free love, the Vietnam War, drugs, rock n’ roll, and revolution all appeared just about to happen but I was too young to participate.  By the time I was allowed out of the house and I wasn’t playing with my Barbies, the revolution had moved on and I was left out of step with the concepts I believed in and yet I hung onto them.  Computers and the internet were ideas of bright people and science fiction and the local public library certainly did not carry Lady Chatterley’s Lover.  There was talk of free love and the evils of pornography but not bondage, BDSM or pain.  Within my home, sex was never discussed and I wore white gloves and patent leather shoes to church.  This was the environment I grew up in.

Typically, my first experience with ropes was playing a game of wild horses and owner with the neighborhood gang when I was 6.  I loved it when I was lassoed and made to “pull” the owner around the yard .  Although the other kids soon tired of this game, I never tired of it and would wish to play it even now.  My teenage years were a time of lost virginity and searching for love in all the wrong places.  By the time I was in college, I was a hippie and a staunch feminist.  For 3 years, I didn’t shave any parts of my body (don’t gasp in horror Sir!).  If I had found my way to a commune, I might still be there.  I felt life was a competition with men and women better come in first just like Billie Jean.  I would shudder when I observed naked women on the covers of magazines and wonder how they could degrade themselves.  Yet secretly I would wonder how it felt to be naked and have others gaze at me.

Although love was free, it was strictly vanilla and totally uninteresting to me.  Perhaps there was something wrong with me, I would think, that I find much ado about nothing concerning sex.  It was not until I was in my early 20′s that I experienced my first orgasm and still I felt something was just not right.  The breadth and depth of my sexual knowledge was zilch.  I did not know of masturbation or vibrators or ropes.  I did experience bondage once in my 20′s but it was inexpertly done and I didn’t shout Euruka! This is what was missing!  I would read romance novels until I was dripping wet and think men like this are a work of fiction and women’s fantasies.  None of the men I had ever encountered could go toe to toe with me and survive.  I would date, conquer, and move on and search on for that real man I could respect.

Life progressed and was filled with other responsibilities and obligations and I felt if I worked hard enough, I could forget my search and find satisfaction and happiness in other areas of my life.  I see now I fulfilled my needs with challenging professions, hobbies, and projects.  I tucked my sexuality inside the veil of motherhood and volunteerism and sadly stopped searching for that missing piece of myself.  I was so good at hiding my true self with acceptable behavior within my vanilla cocoon that I gave up my search until I hit my 50′s.  And then I found someone online that I connected to and could discuss my rediscovered dissatisfaction with life and sex.  One day, I typed the words “I think I want to be tied up.”  I didn’t plan on typing those words or think it through.  I had never seen a picture of a bound woman.  The closest I had gotten to BDSM and the kinky world was Lady Heather on CSI.  I think now those episodes awakened me (Thank you CBS) because my fantasies changed and became slightly kinky.  My sexuality and needs were very repressed but they wanted to break out and make themselves known.

I started an online relationship with my friend and we made some wonderful memories and began to unearth my sexuality.  He got me my first vibrator and started me on my path of “firsts”.  Our relationship went on for awhile but I found I wanted real time play and found someone who unfortunately was a poser.  Luckily I wasn’t killed or permanently harmed because I certainly went about the process all wrong.  I did no research on BDSM since I didn’t know those letters.  Domination and submission were just words unconnected to what I was feeling.  That inner slut was clawing to get out but couldn’t get past the fears, the repression, the ignorance, the “good girls don’t do that” obstacles.  I was a mess but a curious mess that knew things could be better and different.

And then Sir and I found each other and I could finally shout Eureka!  My search is over!  Sir was willing to take the raw materials that were me and mold me into something that was still me yet totally different.  I can look back now on our 3 years together and point to those moments where I let some of that inner slutty slave out, learned respect, trust, and friendship and our relationship shifted.  It has not been easy to look at the near-misses of my life and accept all that lost time I could have been true to myself but then I wouldn’t perhaps know Sir.  It is a worthy trade-off and I do not regret taking the road less traveled by, because it has made the difference.

(30 Days of Kink – Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky)

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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