My Thoughts on Our Contract

Recently Sir suggested we have a contract.  I was quite surprised at this comment perhaps because it came out of the blue but more so because it just didn’t appear to be Sir’s style. But as Sir explained his reasonings, I warmed to the idea and began to investigate BDSM contracts.  We started with the basic contract outlined in Living M/s by Dan Williams.  Taking it a bit further, I researched contracts with Submissive Guide then hopped over to the Rules, Protocols, and Contract group in Fetlife.  I personally found these sample contracts extremely helpful.   There are many pros and cons to a contract outlined in these sources as well as who should write it, what should be in it, and all manner of staunchly defended opinions.  However the contract is between Sir and I and we have gone about it in our own way.

Sir’s primary intent was to formalize the unwritten contract between us and provide an open, non-confrontation forum for discussion of our relationship, our needs and wants, and also identify what we don’t yet know of each other and our relationship.  The power exchange aspect of our relationship was not our intent and it began and grew out of discussions and discovery of what could be.  I had feelings of ownership and service before I knew the words.  I would read Fetlife and Submissive Guide and wonder what it all meant.  Sir and I would discuss all my questions and to me we had this exchange of power that Sir magically created.  The contract is a manner of providing a definition of the power exchange between us and in its entirety.   I certainly didn’t grasp the magnitude of it.  I also didn’t understand how as a protocol,  the contract would make me feel inside emotionally, mentally, and surprisingly, physically.

Although I have surrendered most areas of my life to Sir, there are some aspects of my life that I retain control over.  The contract delineates the the boundaries of his control, and within this area, Sir controls what he wishes, when he wishes.  I think having the boundaries of our power exchange relationship clearly defined will prevent miscommunication and misunderstandings in the future as Sir expands our limits. Upon further reflection, I found that some areas of my life that should have been important to me were no longer a priority if I misinterpreted the importance to Sir.  I was rather shocked that this feeling had crept up on me.   Sir tightened control in these areas and closed any perceived loopholes on my part.  I hadn’t connected this feeling to the anxiety that I experienced occasionally.

The long distance nature of our relationship sometimes presents obstacles to communication.  Frequently, I may forget something I really wish to discuss until some action reminds me (yes I should write notes!).  We are both busy and neither of us noted the passage of time until this year when it hit us, we have been together 3 years.  I really like the idea of contract renewal as a reflection time for both of us.  Are our needs the same and are they met?  Have life circumstances forced us to compromise or neglect our relationship or perhaps enhanced it?  Modern life is full of distractions and it is just as easy to not pay attention to a kinky relationship just as a vanilla relationship.   We also introduced the concept of porch time borrowed from the Living M/s book.  In the past, I have rebelled when really I just needed to talk as equals.  Porch time is now documented in our contract as a concept we both understand and can initiate.

In thinking about our contract, I have reexamined my limits and updated them.  Sir and I discussed the role of having a safe word.  Personally, I dislike having a safe word and realize I have to have it but Sir and I must have this occasional discussion and reinforce my understanding of its usage.   I resist thinking about limits and safe words because I seem to have this inner need to trust Sir, to be fearless, and challenged.  It is sitting on the beach and seeing the horizon of where the sky meets the ocean and knowing it goes beyond my view.  I must have this view of a future without limits and safe words.  The contract insures I still feel this way and my opinion hasn’t changed.

One of my biggest fears is abandonment and having the dissolution and exit sections has forced me to confront this fear and think about what can be done to alleviate my concerns.  No one can predict the future and I think our contract provides us with a foundation with which to deal with the unexpected, to handle and discuss our journey, and to reconnect with our needs.  It doesn’t mean these topics are off limits outside the discussion of a contract but insures we do discuss them.  It says to me Stop! Take a moment and reflect at least once a year.

 

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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