Anger

Journal Prompt from Submissive Guide Journal Prompts, December 17, 2010

Is it okay to be angry about your submission? Does submitting bring out anger in you? Why do you think submitting brings out anger in someone?

This is a good topic to write about this week since I feel filled with anger about many things including my submission.  I am using the term submission as an aspect of my personality and not in the context of my relationship with Sir.  It is that tremendous need inside me that must feel owned that I get angry at.  ”Why am I like this?” goes unanswered, I just am.  I lament I am cannot be satisfied with myself as a stand-alone, independent entity that is quite capable in living life to its fullest.  I know it is pointless to be angry since this need inside me is part of me and it is like being angry at gravity.  I think my anger is really about acceptance of myself and what I need in order to be happy and feel fulfilled.

Acknowledging this need to be owned is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.   I was known for my ability to be independent and manage my own life and yet I wasn’t happy or pleased with my life.  It felt a farce and I was an actress on the stage with a mask of a smile plastered on my face.  One day I woke to the realization I needed someone to give me purpose and to own me and Sir found me and the result is happiness and peace and yet that strong, independent woman beckons at times.  It is the internal war inside me: ownership and bliss versus independence and control.  My anger today is simply a skirmish on the battlefield because I know my submission is a part of me and I cannot escape from it or destroy it.   Whatever I name this feeling inside me is a part of me that must be faced, looked in the eye, and say this is me.  There is nothing evil about needing ownership.  It does not say I am a weak person to actually need Sir more than air.  I feel the energy and power of the battle and I know the outcome.

If I know the outcome of the battle, why do I go through these occasional internal battles?  I accept them as the natural flow of life and know my anger will dissipate once I once again acknowledge my submission to Sir.  That energy and power is the source of the strength that made me successful in my long, vanilla life and at times, it is only natural to test the boundaries of his control just as I test the strength of the knots and ropes.  It is knowing I still have power to yield to Sir and that I am still me, independent and strong and it is just a matter of incorporating submission into that mix of personality characteristics.  It is the exchange of my power and control for happiness, fulfillment, and being all that I can be without denial and confusion.

My typical solution to this war is to go run and attempt to outrun myself and as I run, I will think and the battle will be over as I accept myself, know that Sir owns me, and peace will once again return to the Valley of bonimiss.   You just can’t outrun yourself, hide from yourself or deny yourself in the long run.  My anger sometimes gets the best of me and masks that it is not about vanquishing that strong, independent woman but knowing that woman belongs to Sir.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.
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