Trust

Response to “Trust is a Five Letter Word” in Submissive Guide Newsletter from January 7th, 2012.

I have always had trouble with trust.  It is not that those around me are particularly untrustworthy but they do the things most of us do .. stretch the truth, tell little white lies, and in general, reinterpret their actions to favor how others think of them.  There have been situations in my life where I felt uneasy.  My instincts told me something was fishy but yet, I never knew the truth so was it a matter of my wrong interpretation of their actions or were they really dishonest and not worthy of my trust?  I found I increasingly held myself back from people as they continually disappointed me.  I looked for evidence of betrayal rather than a foundation for trust.  I kept to myself rather than risk being hurt.  This was my mindset when I met Sir.

When we first met, there were elements of friendship but it took awhile for trust to grow.  As luna pointed out in the Newsletter, trust is the reliance on other factors such as integrity, strength, ability, and surety but I would include respect, forgiveness, and intelligence in that list.  I began to trust Sir after we had a silly argument and he didn’t handle it like anyone had ever handled arguing with me.  He didn’t belittle me or call me names or walk away, he waited and looked at me.  I was shocked into silence.  I still recall the confusion I felt and I think at that moment, I became his whether either of us recognized it or not.

For me, trust is like an iceberg.  On the surface and at first glance, trust may look superficial and small just as an iceberg may show little above the water.  But if you look underneath the surface, there are many factors that give it strength and endurance that support those things that would destroy it.  Yes Sir’s actions speak much louder than words.   In fact, I see the actions but we seldom speak of the thinking behind his actions.  I have had to trust the actions and what I see rather than words that can be casually spoken by anyone.  Many have said the words to me but not reflected those words in their actions.  Perhaps this is the root of my mistrust of all that I see around me.  So with Sir I have had to look at his actions and apply my own words and I think the trust is deeper due to this.  In fact, when we finally discuss the why’s and how-to’s of his actions, it deepens my trust in our relationship infinitely more than if the words were spoken first.  I trust my interpretation of his actions and say to myself, “What you see is what you get.”  The relationship is as I think it is and I feel I can trust my instincts, that inner voice we all have, and my view of reality.

The trust has grown but I still have trouble with it.  There are moments I trust Sir intensely but then the seeds of doubt take root and I wonder.  It has nothing to do with any of Sir’s actions or words.  It is the panic of the past, what if what I see is not real?  I have made mistakes.  I have had to ask the most stupid, annoying questions of Sir.  I have had to risk disappointing him.  I have done all of this just to test the reality of the intense trust I have in him.  The trust is there in our relationship but not in myself.  So I trust Sir but I do not trust myself yet.  I work on it and handle issues as they arise and hope for Sir’s infinite patience (or a good whipping!).  It has grown from constant distrust to almost constant trust with minor mental skirmishes.  I examine what triggers that sense of distrust and work on lessening their impact.  I am experimenting with affirmations, positions, and just getting out there and running.

But there is also the opposing destructive force to trust, that is, betrayal.  Isn’t that what we all fear most?  Isn’t that why we hold trust to our bosom and are afraid to just trust without extensive experiences to support that trust?  Betrayal can be through actions or through words.  In the past, I have been betrayed by both actions and words and it requires forgiveness in order to rebuild that trust.  But forgiveness is easier said then done depending on what part of that inner image of myself was damaged.  I think betrayal is in the eyes of the beholder.  So it requires communication in order to repair, maintain and build that trust because the trust can falter.  Sometimes you have to run after trust like an escaped balloon.  I fear I will inadvertently say something to Sir and not be able to catch my words.  Sometimes my own willingness to be transparent makes me fear my disclosures.  Maybe my disobedience or ignorance will be seen as betrayal by Sir?  It is then I know I must also trust Sir will see past my foibles and errors in judgment and he trusts me just as I trust him.

So I can honestly say I trust Sir with my heart, my body, and my mind.  It did not develop overnight but was based on a slow accumulation of actions, words, and friendship that finally tipped the balance.  Without that trust, I could not wait as I do.  Waiting would be a torturous series of anxiety attacks and depression instead of quietly going on with my life knowing he is in it.  I remember how this felt in the beginning of our relationship and I do not wish to repeat it.  I believe he trusts me also based upon his actions and conversations we have had.

It would be nice to have a little trust meter maybe next to our ear perhaps that displayed how much trust we had in the person we were talking to.  But I guess politicians would not like that!