Questioning Your Submission (Submissive Challenge #4)

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

There has been more time in my life where I suppressed and was resistant to my submissive feelings then acknowledged them.  I still remember hesitantly telling Sir I thought I was submissive.  My voice became small and I was extremely embarrassed and ashamed.  I felt to not control my world made me somewhat less of a strong woman.  So my questions started then and I still have questions.   I did not attempt to figure out my feelings for many months.  I was too enthusiastically overwhelmed with the physical enjoyment of bondage, coping with waiting, and trying to rein in sub frenzy.  I did not know of Submissive Guide or fetlife or blogs or books.  I was much too frightened to type “submissive” in the google box.   Eventually I worked up my courage and knowledge followed.  Sir helped me but at times I was still resistant and fighting within myself.  Yes-no-maybe so.  It hurt so much to struggle with myself and I still get anxious when I think about certain aspects of who and what I am.  My identification as a submissive evolved slowly and is still evolving.  There is no end point or final resolution since there is always more to learn about oneself so I expect the questions to keep coming until my last breath.

My submission has always been focused on obedience.   I would read about domestic service and shake my head and just not get it.  I did not think it could apply to my relationship with Sir since we do not live together and He has no involvement in the running of my house.  I take care of my house and family and feel this is my responsibility, obligation, and my job.  If someone told me how to do it and when to do it, I would quite frankly tell them I know what I am doing and please don’t give me directions.  As I unraveled my submissive feelings, I would joke with Sir, I don’t need someone to tell me to do the laundry and He didn’t want to.  This does not mean at times I am not overwhelmed with the responsibility and decisions and it would be lovely to be told “Do this!” but I don’t think it would be the service aspect that would make me tingle, it would be obedience.

I have made it my 2012 goal to figure out service, in particular, domestic service.  What am I missing?  So much of what is written about service is domestic.  Lately I have broadened my own definition of service to mean those functions I provide that are important to Sir:  bondage bottom, willingness to wait, openness to new experiences and knowledge, self-reflection and other services.  But if I think of them as service, they give me a sense of worth and value and in some respects, a sense of power not submission.  It is that sense of power I surrender to Sir and I really don’t want anything in return but to feel that sense of freedom in the loss of control.

I think part of my detachment from domestic service is that Sir does not benefit from my actions and there are limited non-sexual ways I can serve Him.  When I serve Sir, it must be meaningful and of value to Him.  The domestic services and skills I am good at are focused on my life that is separate from His.  Also I do not connect submissively with services I am already obligated and responsible for.  If I was given praise for something I would already do, it would feel like empty praise to me.  “Good girl” and other words of praise and appreciation are of value in direct proportion to the difficulty of the service.  Hypothetically, I wonder if I served outside of my own home domestically and was not obligated to perform a task, would I feel submissive?  I am self-motivated for the most part and set high standards for tasks I perform.  Maybe if the task was made harder and more difficult to accomplish that might awaken submissive feelings.  The activities I engage in while waiting do influence my attitude and mindset towards my relationship with Sir and my submission.  There is an indirect connection from my overall life to my relationship with Sir.  I have tried to focus on that connection while running around doing the things I must do.  I attempt to stay positive and focused and know if He could see my results, He would be pleased (OK, I hope!).

I just don’t get domestic service but I wish I did.  The majority of my time is spent performing some domestic activity and if I knew I was contributing to Sir’s happiness and easing His life, I think it would be much more tolerable.  But even when I do serve Him, I just don’t experience that special submissive feeling although I enjoy pleasing Him.  And I do feel wonderful facilitating the lives of those around me but the feeling is not submissive, it is more the feeling of joy in a job well-done.

I know I am still the neophyte as far as submission goes.  The more I read, the more I realize how little I know and understand.  But I think submission belongs to the person and it is not up to me to dislike or belittle their definition.  I may not understand it but I will try to.  I always think maybe I am not there yet.  There are many aspects of submission that perhaps require a different environment or a different time in self-awareness in order to blossom.  Who am I to throw stones?  I have enough trouble understanding my own submission.  So although I will question my own submission, I look to others’ definition of submission only for enlightenment.